To All The Girls I've Loved Before

Amnesia

[WARNING: SELF-HARM]

I'm pretty sure my mom is starting to not buy all of this "sickness" I've been faking the last three days. But the truth was I couldn't go back to school. Ever.

Not because of Tzuyu. Not because of how she screamed at me telling me she hated me and that she used me.

But because high school is not for me anymore. Not for someone who is not accepted no matter what you do. It hurts knowing that because of who I am, I have to be treated like shit.

All I wanted was for a chance to show everyone that it doesn't matter who I like or who I am, I am still a human who has feelings and just because I don't oblige by their rules, doesn't mean I'm different from them. I may like something differently than everyone else, but why should I care? I don't. Never have and never will.

But this pain inside my chest begs to differ.

I never knew that someone could hurt me the way Tzuyu hurt me just by saying one sentence.

After my mom left for work, I cried in my room. I've been crying these last three days, but of course not when my mom was here. I guess that's why she believed I was sick because of how my eyes were puffy and my nose was running. She never realized that I have been crying, which is good. I don't need to explain it to her because I know what she'll say.

I thought Tzuyu has changed. She was so different with me these last few weeks when we hang out. She never once seemed like I was irritating her because she was always smiling or laughing. I thought we were on a pretty good level considering her friends are homophobic bitches.

The pain throughout my chest is unbearable as I lay on my bed staring at my ceiling. I can't seem to get my mind off of her. All I can think about was the things she said to me.

I thought I cried all my tears out because now I'm just staring at the ceiling with pain in my heart but no tears.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to someone entering my room. Then someone jumping on my bed screaming, "Wake up!"

I jolted up to see Suho on my bed smiling down at me and Dahyun next to it trying not to laugh.

I pulled my pillow over my head just to have it pulled off. "What the hell is your problem? You missed like three days of school!"

I glared up at Suho. "I'm sick." He rolled his eyes and gave me that 'that's bullshit' face. I sighed. "I really am." He sat down on top of me and pressed his hand on my face.

"You don't feel sick." He examined my face and my body. "Or look sick." I rolled my eyes and pushed him off.

"I don't have to look sick to be sick." I glared at him as he looked me over once more.

"So, what's wrong then? Diarrhea?" I heard Dahyun giggle as I groaned and looked at the ceiling.

Why must my friends be so caring? Why can't they leave me and my broken heart alone?

Dahyun sat next to me as Suho got up to sit at my desk. She smiled down at me and rubbed my arm. "What's really wrong?"

I shrugged. "I'm sick. I mean, I don't understand why you two don't believe me."

Suho twirled around in my desk chair. "First off, you're Sana and you never get sick. When's the last time you got sick?" I shrugged as he kept spinning around.

"Dude, you're making me dizzy. Stop."

But he ignored me and kept going. Dahyun got my attention,

"Ignore him. Is there anything you need?"

Tzuyu.

I sighed and shook my head. "I'm fine. Hopefully I'll get over whatever I have."

I don't think I'll ever get over this heartbreak.

"Well, we're here for you." Suho stopped spinning and nodded. "Yeah, if you need anything, holler."

I smiled as Dahyun kissed my forehead and watched as my two best friends leave me.

After they left, I'm sucked right back into my depressed state. Feeling the pain rise again in my chest. It was gone momentarily when Dahyun and Suho arrived, only because they seemed to distract me. But now that they left, I'm depressed again.

I wish I never liked Tzuyu or never got caught up with her. I wish I never even met her. Maybe everything would have been easier.

I wish I could wake up with amnesia. Forget every stupid thing that we did together. How she makes my heart beat fast and my mind turn to mush.

Tzuyu Chou, why must you be go damn perfect? Don't you see what you've done to me?

After a while of laying there, I decided to get up before mom gets home. She'll come in and check on me, but I haven't cried for a few hours so my eyes aren't puffy and my nose isn't running.

I walked downstairs and into the kitchen. I need something. I don't know what I need but I feel like I need it.

I begin looking through the cabinets trying to locate the object my mind seems to want. I don't know what I'm looking for.

What the hell brain?

I stop when I reach the silverware drawer and notice a knife laying in front of my view.

That's what I want.

I grabbed it and ran back upstairs.

So, I never cut myself before. I never had a reason to. I've been bullied for a long time but never thought about self harm.

Until now.

All I can think about is the pain Tzuyu has left in me. One girl who destroyed my heart. One girl who seems to not give a shit about me.
I shut my eyes and slide the knife slowly across my wrist. At first, it hurts like hell but after the pain dies down, I felt numbness. I open my eyes and stare down at my sliced wrist. I watch the red liquid slide down my arm onto my bed sheets. I only smile.

I felt numbness through my wrist and my heart. After awhile, I felt nothing anymore.