To All The Girls I've Loved Before

Disconnected

I skipped school on Friday. I mean, why skip almost the whole week and not one more day? It wouldn't hurt.

My mom has been worried about me because I haven't eaten anything, but when I do eat it's only a bite. I lost my appetite and I don't know why. I've been sleeping pretty good, although I did wake up last night because the cuts on my arms were hurting. My mom hasn't noticed anything because I wore a long sleeve sweater.

I don't regret it at all if it makes me forget the pain Tzuyu has caused.
It was Saturday and I was sitting in my room watching TV when my mom yelled from downstairs telling me I have a visitor.

Great.

I yelled an 'OK' back and waits patiently for whoever to come up. After a while, my bedroom door swung open and I looked into those green eyes that I had forgotten all about. She leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms while smiling at me. "You sure don't look sick, meine dame."

I squinted my eyes at her as she giggled. "What the hell was that?"

She shook her head as she walked in and made her way to my bed. "It's German." She smiled as I took her beauty in.

I raised an eyebrow, "I didn't know you were German." She smiled. "You don't even know me."

How true can that be?

"Yeah, I know. So care to explain why you're in my house?" She shrugged and looked around. "I heard from your friends that you were sick." She looked at me. "So I came to check up on you."

I wanted to laugh. "Dude, you don't even know me. Why would come and visit me?" She shrugs then looks at me. "If you're not sick, then why are you missing school?"

I shrugged then looked down at my covers. The different patterns and shapes seemed to distract me.

"Is it because of she who shall not be named?" I whipped my head up to look at her as her green eyes bored into my brown ones. I sighed and shrugged. She patted my leg and smiled, "If it is, you don't need to drown yourself in sorrow."

I pushed her hand away and glared at her, "For your information, you don't know what I'm going through so you have no right to intervene inside my life or even be here." I was hoping my words would scare her off but she just smiled. "I'm here because I care."

I rolled my eyes and looked elsewhere until she cleared her throat. "Sana, I know we just met, but I have been going to school with you for a while and I do know you."

"You know nothing about me."

She smiled and nodded. "Your best friends are Dahyun, the whitish girl you fondly call Dubu and Suho," I shrugged then she continued, "You have a three point five GPA average, you're gay obviously, you hate Lalisa Manoban and you're crushing on Tzuyu Chou."

I stared at her for a moment. "Big whoop. Anybody could guess that." She smiled. "Your friends don't know about Tzuyu, do they?"

I looked down at my blanket and shook my head.

"It's ok, I'm pretty sure they'd be understanding about it. You can't help who you like."

I wish I never liked her to begin with.

"So tell me, what's wrong?" I looked up at her as she stared at me. I took a deep breath then told her everything. I left the part out about me cutting myself, although she'll probably figure it out soon.

After I was done telling her everything, we sat in silence for a while until she spoke, "I don't know what to say." I looked at her and shrugged. "It's ok. Maybe my broken heart will get healed soon."

She patted my leg, "She's probably not worth it."

I shook my head. "No, she is worth it. She's worth everything! I always knew she was different from Lisa and the bitches. She is different and she always will be. I just need to talk to her."

I stood up to have Somi stand right beside me. "Maybe you shouldn't. I understand that you like her but if she said all those things to you, then you need to let it go."

I could see the truth behind her eyes as I sighed and nodded. "I guess so."

She nodded. "Good, because if she calls, you need to disconnect the phone. Don't answer it no matter how tempting it may be. You'll be strong enough to move on."

Her words made sense to me. If Tzuyu wanted to be this way, then I'm not going to crawl back to her and ask for forgiveness for whatever I've done. I'll move on and show her that she was a waste of my time to begin with. And I could hate her just as much as she hates me.

Somi smiled. "So, since you're not sick. Wanna go out?" I was in complete shock until she started laughing. "Not on a date. Like, eat or see a movie, although the date thing doesn't sound so bad." She laughed and lightly punched my arm. "Kidding! Jesus loosen up."

I glared at her as she walked over and roamed my closet. She pulled out a T-shirt and some skinny jeans. "How about this?" I shook my head. Not that it wasn't cute, but I needed long sleeves.

I walked over and grabbed a sweater as she looked at me. "Why a sweater?" I shrugged and walked over to my bed.

Somi came over and grabbed my arm. I looked at her as she looked at me. "What?" I stared at her as her eyes held something I couldn't see. Then she grabbed the ends of my sleeve and pulled it up. I held my breath as the cuts came into view and I heard her gasp. Then she grabbed the other sleeve and pulled it up to reveal another.

I looked up up at her to meet her green eyes. "Sana, why? Tzuyu is not worth this shit."

I shook my head and stepped back. "It's not just because of her. It's because of how stupid I was to ever fall for her games." I felt emotionally drained but didn't have the urge to cry.

She took a few steps towards me. "You don't need to do this because of how stupid she is. You don't need to do this at all. Why downgrade yourself to where your self esteem is so low that you want to do stupid shit like this? Cutting yourself is never ok. It's not ok under any circumstances. You need to love yourself and your life the way it is. If something is so bad that you feel the need to do this," she gestures toward my cut. "Then you need to talk to someone. Someone will always be there to listen to you and care about you. Never think that nobody does because they do."

I hugged her. I don't know what came over me but I felt a rush of happiness throughout my body from hearing those words. She made me realize that I made a stupid mistake of harming myself over some girl who didn't give a shit about me.

"Thank you." I said as I pulled back and looked at her. She smiled and nodded then picked up my sweater and pair of pants. I rushed out of the room and to the bathroom to change.

Everything was going to be ok. I just know it.