Counting Down the Days

June 15: A Fear

 I think my biggest fear is, ironically, cowardice; I fear that one day I will cause bad things to happen because I didn't take action when I could. It's not a fear that I live with every day—my life is a bit too boring for me to perpetually live in fear—but as a part of my personality it manifests itself in other ways. It manifests itself in the way I have always said that I only regret things I don't do. I have always thought that opportunities are there to be taken, even if they are scary. It manifests itself in the way I have always taken steps to be different from others. I never want to have an excuse to be cowed by social standards. When the time comes, I don't want others to make a coward out of me.

I guess part of the reason I am so afraid of cowardice that is because it is so common. I have seen petty cowardice do so much damage so many times, and yet the people who commit these acts of unthinking cruelty still believe that they are good people. That's the part that makes me feel vaguely sick. It makes me sick and it also makes me scared because I can see how easy it is to fall into such traps. I imagine myself falling into those patterns of behavior and it genuinely terrifies me.

I used to think of myself as someone who values goodness above all else. And it's true, I fundamentally believe that being happy and doing good for others is what we were put on this earth to do. But as I have gotten older I have come to believe that I actually value bravery above all else. Because at the end of the day, I truly think that cowardice and insecurity not only allow bad things to happen to others, but also drive people to do bad things themselves.