Counting Down the Days

August 20: The (An) End

 Today is the last day. Tomorrow, I am turning the page and starting a new chapter. My bags are mostly packed, bins nearly filled. I gathered all of my favorite T-shirts and put them in a pile, and did the same with pants, hats, dresses, and sweatshirts. I have gathered countless items required for living on my own—laundry detergent, food, ibuprofen, sheets, and a winter coat.

I will be on campus in less than twenty-four hours. It's a pretty weird feeling to be so close to a moment I've been anticipating for months. Not only anticipating—I've been actively preparing; I've been filling out forms and doing zoom calls and sending emails. If anything, tomorrow's move-in is almost negligible because I've been getting ready for it for so long. And yet it still feels strange to be so close.

All this being true, I am quite nervous. The nerves I feel around this event remind me of another occasion a bit over two years ago, when I first cut my hair short. I had wanted short hair for years, but my mother had never let me go through with it until then. I remember feeling the butterflies churning in my stomach as I sat in the salon chair, looking into the mirror at my hair, which I new would be chopped off in mere minutes.

I was so nervous I almost considered backing out and keeping my hair the length it was. I considered telling my stylist that I had changed my mind, and no longer wanted short hair. But then I thought to myself, in a moment of clarity, "I've wanted this for so long, it makes no sense for me to get cold feet now! I was excited before, what changed since then?"

And it was true; the nerves I was feeling had nothing to do with my desire for short hair, but more with the act of making it happen, of experiencing the change. Now, I am so nervous about leaving and beginning a new life, that staying home and doing school online sounds blessedly simple. 

But I know that's not what I want. Back when I felt no nerves and everything was purely theoretical, I was dead-set on going to campus if possible. I may be nervous about it now, but in the end, to repeat my own words, it makes no sense for me to get cold feet now. I just wish nerves weren't a necessary step, because they are unpleasant at best.

Everything is about to change, and I do not know if I will keep writing. Maybe not. Or maybe so. Either way, I believe this is farewell. Not just to you, but also to a certain era of my own life. I'm glad it's over, but that doesn't mean I don't get to feel a bit sad about it, too.