Going Nowhere

May 29, 2016

“So,” I breathe, chewing down the rest of my toast.

 

Michael smiles at me over the table, resting his elbows on the white cloth. “So?”

 

“I thought over  this whole… thing.” I look down at my plate as I pick up my second piece of toast. “I’m honestly just really fucking nervous.”

 

“I am too.” Michael nods, his eyebrows creasing as he peered over at me.

 

“No,” I shake my head a bit. “I mean, I don’t know. I told you I just wanted to be friends and then I told you I wanted to try… this. I wasn’t really sure…” I look up at him, noticing the concern in his eyes. “No, I mean, I don’t want us to not talk or anything, that’s the opposite of what I want. I just… shit. I’m rambling.”

 

I puff my cheeks out as I release a deep breath. My elbow leans against the table and I rub circles into my temple. Michael reaches across and takes my hand, interlocking our fingers.

 

“Hey, it’s fine.” He encourages me.

 

“Okay.” I nod. “I, um, I do want to try this… but I think we should try just being good friends first before we jump into the whole...relationship thing.” I glance up at him before ducking back down again. “I just don’t want us to go too fast and then crash-”

 

“I understand.” Michael nods. He rubs his thumb over my hand. “I’m not going to rush you.”

 

I sigh, letting my shoulders relax. “Okay.”

 

He grins at me, “Okay.”

 

I shove my second piece of toast in my mouth before I can ramble again. I’d never felt this nervous around Michael before. Even his hand in mine feels uncomfortable. It’s like we were trying to be something we weren’t. I want to go back to afternoons on the couch throwing popcorn at each other and ending in tickle wars.

 

Would we ever be able to go back to that? I sure as hell wasn’t able to forget about all the arguing we had done over the past few months. How long had it been since we were civil towards each other? How long had it been since I hadn’t tried to push him away?

 

He was going to have to leave again too. I would be alone, sitting in some apartment somewhere waiting for him to come home. If I stayed on tour with the girls I’d see him even less. If we were together there would be no way he would want Ash or Cal to stay with me. He would probably want me to go with him everywhere, but I’m not sure how long I could do that until I went mad.

 

I’m going mad now. Yet, I was without Michael.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Michael inquires.

 

“Oh,” I look up at him, noticing I had been staring at my plate while thinking this through. “I’m just wondering how this thing is going to work out.”