If Only

6

"As you well know, I had a couple months to be an idol before I left for the military. I was scared and anxious of that becoming my reality but I was still going to do it. Those months, Namjoon and I had started becoming closer and we spent most of our time together. Then one day he told me that he liked me. I was quite surprised because I liked him too. We were brother's after all. But that was not the like Joon was talking about. And I didn't realize it. So in my ignorant state, we kept hanging out, becoming even closer. I lead him on unintentionally. Throughout the years, he had given me gifts for my birthdays and I didn't think anything about it. But he bought me a pink Rolex a few days after confessing and I was super happy. I didn't realize it was a couple gift. He had a blue one, while I got the pink one. I wore it everywhere even though I rarely used it. And maybe, that gave Joon the courage to be more open with his actions. We held hands, sat together during any outing and generally did couple things. I didn't notice it because, I wanted to have as much fun before I left."

Jin sighed and looked at Jungkook with tears brimming his eyes.

"My spending time with Joon ate into our time. You were the one person who I could come to and just be me. It was natural between us. The emotions I showed you were genuine. And so, I kept coming to you after my fun days with Joon because you were my little diary. I told you everything. I didn't know I was hurting your feelings. I didn't know you loved me. I wish I did. I remember you telling me how stupid I looked wearing a watch that didn't even tell time and me snapping at you. I remember you trying to get to stand by my side during award shows and me telling you to stand with your friends. I remember you trying to give me neck rubs and me swatting your hands away. I was pushing you away. In my head, you had become clingy and I didn't like it. It was strange because I used to be the same to you too before. But as I said, I was blind. And so I didn't understand why you were getting mad at me. I pushed you away so far I couldn't get you back. You were like a walking hurricane. Especially to me. You ignored me and snapped at me for the littlest things. And I did the same. It was not helping that my days were numbered and tensions ran high. Our fights became so vicious that they started getting personal. Two days before I had to leave, you came into my room and locked the door. I thought you wanted us to settle the fight by ourselves. I had not smiled at you for months and deep down, I really didn't want to leave with this anger between us. We started out calm and well. Then you asked me why I was behaving like a couple with Joon. Since I didn't know what you were talking about, I got defensive. You listed out all the things I had been doing of late and with hindsight, I realized I had indeed been touchy feely with the rapper. I was ready to accept my mistake but then you said something that made me see red."