IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU

PART 2 - Chapter 12 - This is What it Takes

APRIL 2019

Camila bit her nails as she watched the audio downloading on her phone. These days she and Shawn didn't communicate much, but this was a new song and traditionally they shared their music with each other before it was released. Even when they weren't talking at all, she had still sent him her album. He didn't even tell her what this one was called, she had no heads up on it at all. There wasn't even any chatter out there that he had one coming, it was going to blindside everyone.

She sat down on the closed toilet seat and put her ear buds in. She didn't want to be interrupted by anyone. She was afraid it was going to be a sad and heartbreaking love song and she didn't know how she would deal with it. Nine months since they'd left the island she still felt the ache in her heart every day. She still wondered if she had done the right thing. So when the first note was upbeat and it went straight into vocals, she was surprised and had to rewind because she wanted to listen to the lyrics.

I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

I'm in Toronto and I got this view
But I might as well be in a hotel room, yeah
It doesn't matter 'cause I'm so consumed
Spending all my nights reading texts from you

Oh, I'm good at keepin' my distance
I know that you're the feelin' I'm missing
You know that I hate to admit it
But everything means nothin' if I can't have you

I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?
I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

I'm so sorry that my timing's off
But I can't move on if we're still gonna talk
Is it wrong for me to not want half?
I want all of you, all the strings attached

Oh, I'm good at keepin' my distance
I know that you're the feelin' I'm missing
You know that I hate to admit it
But everything means nothin' if I can't have you

I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?
I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

I'm trying to move on
Forget you, but I hold on
Everything means nothing
Everything means nothing, babe
I'm trying to move on
Forget you, but I hold on
Everything means nothing if I can't have you, no

I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?
I can't write one song that's not about you
Can't drink without thinkin' about you
Is it too late to tell you that
Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

She sat there, shell shocked. The lyrics were clear, his diction perfect as always, but it was the message that was the most obvious. With a shiver she realised this was not over for him either.

***

JULY 2018

Camila watched the doors close behind Shawn as he headed for his flight to London and collapsed onto the seat, gulping back the tears. Oh God, she couldn't go out there like this! She took some deep breaths and hightailed it to the bathroom. Some cold water and make up later she didn't look too bad, if she kept her sunglasses on, and she lifted her chin and walked out. Roger had warned her that the paparazzi knew she was coming in, but it hadn't come from him. He had used the same travel agent he had used when he was with the 5H management and he was pretty sure it was the group management that had leaked her travel plans. It was a good thing Shawn was doing an international transfer so he wouldn't be seen with her. She completed all the formalities and then walked out to the flashing of cameras and the calling of her name asking for comments. She waved and smiled and when fans approached her she stopped, took selfies and gave hugs and autographs and then let the bodyguards Roger had sent hurry her off to a vehicle. She wanted nothing more than to get to the house Roger had rented for her to rest, but he was waiting there for her to make the next plans and she had interviews from first thing in the morning, so hair and make up were arriving at the crack of dawn to get her ready.