BTS SMERALDO THE NOTES 1 (Edited & Translated)

Seokjin: 15 August Year 22

The Direction Where the Sun Rises
Part 9

I saw her for the first time by the railroad. I had a lot on my mind then.

I'd went to see Jungkook in the hospital and only stayed there for about ten minutes before leaving. I didn't even talk much while I was with Jungkook.

For some reason Jungkook was tense and kept up his guard around me. There were no messages on our group chat. Hoseok's message, telling us he wouldn't be in touch, was the last.

I felt like Hoseok aimed that message at Yoongi. Whenever I read it, it felt like it was aimed at me as well.

I left the hospital and walked around aimlessly. After some time I realized I'd gone to the railroad crossings. And that was when i saw her. The crossing bar was down and a train was approaching from the distance.

For some reason that train reminded me of when I used to get on flights alone as a kid. Huh. It was weird to think that I tried to find a sense of belonging through those travels. What was I expecting anyways? That sense of belonging was more of an illusion.

I felt a little empty at the thought of not really belonging anywhere. Was I alone after all? What did I do wrong? This train of thought continued as the train passed me by. The wknd stirred and blew past me.

The train was gone just as quickly as it'd come the bar went up and the crossing opened again.

She walked towards me, swimming against the flow of air that was brought on by the train that passed. She dropped her diary as she walked past me.

I picked it up and decided to take a look.

She had a wishlist:
•take an Italian class
•join a temple stay program
•volunteer at an animal shelter
•take a barista course
•share earphones with a boyfriend while taking a walk
•Smeraldo

She wanted Smeraldo flowers. Under the magazine clipping of Smeraldo was a little paragraph:

Live isn't primarily a relationship with a specific person, it's an attitude, which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole. If I truly love one person, I love all people, the world, and life in general. If I can say "I love you" then I must also be able to say "I love you through all of those who know you, through the world you live in, and through the love I have for myself"
- from The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm

And when I met the girl again, I did those things that were on that wishlist with her.

Smeraldo was a flower that only grew in northern Italy. I went to a flower shop nearby to try and look for them but the owner had never heard of Smeraldo flowers before.

That was before the small flower shop i came across that was still under construction. The shop was just over the bridge to Munhyeon on the corner.

When I went in, I didn't expect the owner, who was arranging documents, to even know about the flower since all the others before hadn't ever heard of it.

"Have you heard of Smeraldo flowers?" I asked him as he approached me after noticing my presence.

He stared at me for a long time before answering.

"I'll be able to deliver it to you soon. I haven't officially opened for business yet, but I'll be able to get them for you. Why do you want those flowers specifically?"

The girl didn't know I had her diary. She'd never be able to imagine that I'd used her wishlist to do everything she wanted the last month. I hadn't given it back to her or even told her that I'd had it yet.

And I knew it was wrong. I knew I was lying to her in a way. I tried to come clean but I was scared. I didn't want her to leave me like my friends had. I was afraid her heart would turn cold once she found out and saw me for my mistakes, wrongdoings, foolishness and fear.

I wanted to make her happy and make her laugh. I felt like I became a better person whenever I made her happy. As if all my past mistakes vanished.

Now I had one more thing to get for her. The Smeraldo flower. The flower meant "The Truth Untold".

The owner was baffled at my request for the Smeraldo flowers. By the 30th of August I needed them. He said he'd try his best to get them by then.

I was going to give her those flowers on the 30th of August when the fireworks display would take place at Yangjicheon Stream. She loved looking up at the night sky.

I was planning to tell her I love her then too. That's why I needed those flowers. And then I'd be able to confide my heart in her at the best time in the best place.

ｖｏｔｅ
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