50 Ways To Say Goodbye (Kellic)

Way 6: Such A Fucking Nightmare

Kellin had been knocking at my door all night. He didn't stop. He never stopped. It was currently ten in the morning and I felt exhausted. I'd told him to stop. He couldn't stop. Why was he being so persistent? "Please let me in, " He pleaded. His voice was hoarse from yelling at me all night. He'd begged me and pleaded with me. I have no idea what was running through his head, but it was bothersome. I don't want him to leave, but I can't deal with trying to figured out his bullshit right now. I don't know lies from the truth with him. 

"Vic, " He whispered against the door. I heard something run against it. It sank lower and lower. "I'm so, so, so sorry." I heard a sigh. "I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry that I cheated. I'm sorry that I'm a player. I'm sorry that I fucked you. I'm sorry that I got drunk two nights in a row. " There was a long pause. I had no idea what had gotten into him last night. What did they put in the alcohol? He'd been apologizing for that since one thirty in the morning. "Please, Vic. " 

I sighed. I loved him too much to stay away forever. I walked across the room and opened the door. Kellin had been leaning against the door, so when I opened it, he fell backwards into my bedroom. "Ow.. " He whispered adorably. He stood immediately after that and hugged me like the world was ending. He ran his fingers through my hair and rocked back and forth on his feet. But he still didn't let go for even a second. He just kept hugging me tighter and tighter still. 

I hugged him back. "I'm not going to let you go, Kells. It's okay, really. I'm okay. You're okay. And... You're crushing me. " 

"Are you crazy? I'm not letting go. I can't let go.... Not again. " His voice trailed off at the end. 

"I don't understand. Is this about me breaking it off two days ago, or me not staying with you last night? " 

"It's about everything, Vic. I can't lose your heart to another one. So I take back everything bad that I did to you. " 

"If anyone should be worried about losing someone, it's me. You have me stuck to you like a leech. But you keep slipping away every time you find someone who might be better than me. But they always end up leaving you too. " I sighed. "What if I can't forget you, Kells? " 

"Then I won't leave you. I promise. I swear on my life. " He raised his right hand to indicate the oath. 

"And you're willing to risk that? Knowing everything about yourself and our relationship so far? " 

He looked at the floor, contemplating. I wonder what he was thinking about. Is it really that hard to just remain loyal to one person? Maybe it is, for him at least. Sometimes, when you slip into a habit of doing something, it's really hard to stop. I can understand that. But... Lying about stopping? That's just like Kellin. Unfortunately... 

"Kellin? " I prompted him. 

"You're right. I can't promise you that. I'm sorry, " He whispered, shaking his head. "I can promise you three months. That's it. I promise. I swear. " 

"You... Still don't understand, do you? " I shook my head and clicked my tongue at him. 

"I know it's not good enough. But if I can make it three months, then we can just keep extending it farther and farther. Farther and farther until it becomes... Forever. " 

"You're basing that off of a wish. A false reality. " 

"I'm TRYING! " He snapped. He'd long since let me go. "I'm trying to be everything for everyone, okay?! I'm trying to fake it for our friends. I'm trying to keep everything together with you. I'm trying to keep women away from me. I'm trying to not drink myself to death. I'm trying to keep myself happy. I'm trying to work this out. I know it's hard. I know I'm a liar. I know that you wish I was better. I know that I'm hard to love. I know that you have every right to hate me right now. I don't need you to keep reminding me of that!! " 

I already knew all of that. But I never really knew how much it weighed on him. He's so good at hiding it. He's transparent, but you never know why he's upset with himself all the time. It's no wonder he acts the way that he does all the time. I would if I were him too. I walked back up to him and hugged him tightly. "I love you, " I whispered. "I'm so sorry, darling. I know that I'm being selfish. I just don't like sharing you with other people who can't appreciate you. " 

"And I know that too. I shouldn't have snapped. I love you. Not nearly enough, but I love you." 

I let go of him. "Enough of this sappy apology. I think that's it's time for breakfast?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him. 

"But I'm hungover! " He whined. 

"Please? " I begged. 

"I'll teach you. " 

"What? " 

Kellin grabbed my hand and pulled me downstairs to the kitchen. He rummaged though the cabinets and took out ingredients and a pan. "Vic, today you learn how to make pancakes worthy of a king. " 

I burned then. Every. Single. One. I burned seven pancakes and set the smoke alarms off. "How does IHOP sound? " Kellin asked, sitting next to me on the couch. 

"I didn't mean to burn them all. I'm not a good cook. " I brought my knees to my chest. 

"Hey, now. " He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rubbed it, pulling me into his side. I like his side. It's warm and safe. And I can't burn an entire batch of pancakes in his side. "You are an amazing cook. You just can't use the stove top. " 

"When's the last time you actually ate something that I cooked? "

"Two weeks ago. Didn't you make that pizza? " 

"I reheated leftovers from Domino's. " 

"Baby steps. " 

"How can you be so not upset at me? I burned all of you hard work! " 

"Do you know how many times I burned them before I figured it out? " 

"Zero."

"Seventy. It took me seventy tries before I could properly cook pancakes. " He chuckled to himself. "It's okay to mess up, Vic. You'll get it eventually. " 

I couldn't tell if he was talking to me, or giving himself reassurance.