Scars of the Past

Chapter Ten: Spot Conlon

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of Death, Depression and Alcoholism

          I couldn't help but feel like what I was doing was wrong, but I was so desperate. Looking back at my past makes me wish I could erase myself from history. Disappear. Make all traces of me just disintegrate. But that's impossible. The only thing I can do is prove I've changed. Prove that I'm a good guy.

                  Just after I met Maggie, I had lost my aunt to cancer. She was the only person I really loved. She had always been there for me. My parents were never there. They just kind of existed. My aunt Lindsay, however, was always there for me. She raised me and my brother. She was the only person there for me when I came out, and the only person who generally cared about me. After she passed, my world fell apart. I lost my job because I was too broken to get out of bed. I lost over 20 pounds because I didn't have the energy to get myself out of bed and make myself some food. I lost hope. The one person I took so close to my heart, was gone.

                   One day, I had finally decided to go to the store and pick up a few basic items. I found out that day that my favorite beer brand had came out with a special edition flavor for the Christmas holiday. I picked some up that day, and then it quickly became the thing I relied on. I started to make stupid decisions and do stupid things. I guess that's not the best excuse for what I've done but, that was part of the reason for my stupid decisions.

                  After Anthony and my breakup, I felt broken once again. This time, I knew I wasn't going to just sit around, letting my thoughts sink in. This time, I was going to get up in take action. Yeah. My decision was another dumb one but I am desperate. I'm not the dumb guy I was before. I love Anthony more than anything and I will do anything I can to get him back.

                I glanced over the clock and took a deep breath, "2 hours till my date."

                I walked over the mirrors and smiled at my reflection. I felt so nice getting all dressed up for a date again. My last date was probably a week before we broke up. I took him to McDonalds. Pretty pathetic, I know. He didn't want to go to some fancy restaurant though, so I brought him there. This time, I was bringing him to some fancy Chinese restaurant. It's pretty cool because they cook the food in front of you. My brother and his fiancé, Maggie brought me there one. All I can hope is that if they throw shrimp, I actually catch it this time.

               I began brushing through my hair and smiled as my curls began to straighten. I fixed my tie and my eyebrows. They had a habit of getting messed up, and sleeping with my face in my pillow definitely didn't help. Before I knew it, I had ten minutes till I had to leave. Those ten minutes quickly passed.

              I smiled as I drove to the restaurant. I loved Anthony more than I knew how to express. His voice was enough to send me to the moon and back. He was so loving and caring. It's been hard without him. Sometimes I wake up and forget that he's not there. I'm hoping that tonight could be the night I make our relationship better. To finally explain more. To make him feel safe and comfortable in our relationship.

              My heart began pounding in my chest as I pulled into the parking lot. I pulled my car into a parking spot then took a heavy breath. This was one of the most exciting yet terrifying things I have ever done in my whole entire life. I eventually built up the courage to walk to the building. I walked in and smiled at the huge burst of cold air.

             "Hello, sir! Do you have a reservation?" A young man behind the front desk questioned from behind his glasses.

             "Yes. Reservations for Scott Johnson."

              "Ah yes. Mr. Johnson, please follow me," He grinned as he lead me to a grill towards the back of the restaurant. I took a seat at the counter around the grill. "May I get you something to drink?"

               "No thank you. I'd like to wait for my date."

                "Alright Sir. Chef Jay will be here in a moment," He replied before heading back to the front desk. My heart began pounding even harder as I realized that Anthony could be there any minute. I was going to piece my life back together. I'm sure that when he gives me a chance to explain myself, things will get better again. I'll get to call him mine once again.

                 I looked down at my phone, reading through our texts on Matcher. He was exactly the man I knew before. True both in person and towards people he knew only virtually. He gave everyone his all, one of this many wonderful traits. I got so lost in the messages that I jumped when I heard him say my fake name at the front desk. I felt out of place immediately. Should I have brought flowers? Should I have dyed my hair and got a new haircut so I looked more like the guy I said I was on Matcher? No. You want him to love the real you. Not some new fake version of you.

                Anthony ran through his hair as the young man led him to my table. He stared nervously down at the ground till he reached the table. He looked up at me as his jaw dropped.