Sober |a.k.|

4

warning!! sap and sad ahead!! also, to all the taylor swift lovers out there, happy last kiss day

𝙰𝚠𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗'𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅

I couldn't hold in my smile as I pushed the key into my door. There's no way that wasn't a success. We talked. For hours. Just sitting up on the roof, we talked about life and stresses and happiness and everything. Abby's the first person I've been able to talk to about that kinda stuff in months at least.

I walked into my apartment with a sense of pride and walked over to my bed, laying my head down on my pillow that had been tear soaked from unfortunate dreams just hours before.

Jawn always told me my biggest flaw was feeling things far too strong far too fast. I've heard it from all of my friends except Elijah because I guess Elijah "hasn't been around long enough to know me", or at least that's what Geoff seems to think. And for how much I wanted him to be wrong, he was entirely right. And tonight just proved it.

It's just the simple way that she existed was enough to make me unreasonably happy. That night that we met, I was pretty shocked by how easily I talked to her because she absolutely blew me away. She's funny, and pretty, and she's so damn smart. She's just.. fuck, she's so cool.

I placed my hands lightly on my cheeks, feeling the warmth and smiling again.

The night Abby and I went to Target was pretty monumental for me. I kinda decided then and there I had a crush on her and, of course, wrote a song about it. It helped me realize I was finally getting over my past relationship. Because I wrote entire love song about someone that wasn't the girl who broke my heart. Progress is powerful.

I looked down at my phone seeing Jawn's contact on my screen. I clicked the green phone button and propped it up against my wall.

"Hey dude, how'd your thing go?"

"Honestly, not bad," I grinned.

"Yeah? Good. I'm glad. Hey uh, I listened to that song you sent me. It's really good."

"You think?"

"Hundred percent. Care to talk about the girl that inspired it because it sure as hell wasn't.. uh.." Jawn trailed off avoiding the mention of her name.

"Telephone is for Abby. It is fully her song."

"Dude, don't-"

"I know, don't rush into it."

"You literally say  'I talk a lot but we could fill your frames with pictures of our faces til we share a name'. Think that's not coming on strong?"

I rolled my eyes. I hated that he was right.

"And I thought you met her at Elijah's house? You sent that mp3 file seconds after the tweet about the Target girl."

"Telephone is about Abby. Now, granted, the tweet alerting everyone that the song existed and that they couldn't hear it was a little untruthful in that way. How I said I'd seen her in Target and never introduced myself," I looked at Jawn, seeing him nod.

"Now, you could argue that I didn't actually introduce myself to Abby, Elijah did, but I met her at his house and not Target."

Jawn's laugh rang through my empty apartment for far too long and I grew slightly impatient.

"But hey, there's reason for the little white lie. Jawn, Abby can not know that I like her. She can not know."

"Okay," he said sounding reassuring, "it's not like I can tell her anyway."

"That's right. You can't. Don't try."

"Got it."

After we hung up, I, once again, couldn't stop thinking about Abby. Her face and her laugh and her voice. I couldn't help it. I sighed, deciding to call Elijah and see if I could get him to talk about her.

I know that sounds creepy, but it's not. I promise. I just wanna see if she's putting on like, a front for me or something. Much to my surprise, Elijah actually answered his phone. It then took my approximately 3 seconds to bring up Abby without bringing up Abby

"Does Kellen have a thing with Abby? They seem really close."

"I mean, they've always been close. I think when she was going through family stuff, Kellen was there for her. And- wait, why do you care if they're together or not?"

"Well I-"

"You have a little crush, don't you?" He asked and I furrowed my eye brows. "Oh my God, I knew it! I can't wait to tell-"

"No dude, you can't. Don't fucking tell her. I'll stop being your designated driver."

"Okay, damn. I was gonna say I couldn't wait to tell Sam. I'm not an actual asshole."

I sighed in relief.

"So her and Kellen aren't.."

"Well, not as far as I know. If they are together, they're damn good at hiding it."

I didn't wanna ask Kellen about it, that would be completely out of left field for me. So I just decided to settle with "let's hope they aren't together". Because honestly, after how personal we got tonight, I feel like she would've mentioned being in a relationship at least once. And she also wouldn't of leaned on me the way that she did, unless history truly repeats itself. Which I'm praying is not the case.

I decided to take a shower and clear my head, which sleep is obviously the best way of doing that but not right now. I set the temperature knob thingy a bit right of the center so I didn't freeze or burn my ass off.

Feeling the water run down my back was actually exactly what I needed. I stood in the water deep in thought without actually washing myself for way too long and I felt the water run cold. I swore to myself and got out, wrapping a towel around my waist.

I got changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, walking over to my spare bedroom which was holding my music stuff. I picked up my old purple guitar from the Entertainment era, admiring it. It always meant a lot to me (a.n. peep "rare." oops).

I really miss that era, but I also fucking hate the behind the scenes. Learning the girl I loved more than anything in the world, and I mean anything, didn't feel the same way at all. She betrayed me and our relationship, something you can never come back from. Something I'll always be a thousand times more cautious about because she really fucked me up.

Our shitty record label pushed the album earlier than I wanted and I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't fucking ready, no one was. Then of course playing the tour shows and breaking down, not on stage like the previous tour, but before and after. Having to play Lucky People every night made me fucking sick and I always wanted to disappear. Our fanbase just being overly dramatic and pushing me into deleting social media entirely.

I loved Entertainment. But I fucking hated Entertainment.

I decided it was time for me to actually go to sleep, considering how it was around 1 by now. And I felt terrible now, thinking about last year and early this year. I was mad at myself for letting it all affect me the way it did.

I'd never felt more weak in my entire life. You think you hit rock bottom and then you realize erosion exists and you sink lower.

I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts. I covered my shoulders with the thin blanket and closed my eyes, immediately falling asleep.

The dreams I had that night were not pleasant.

***
(july 9, 2020)

please please please go check out instagram. i think it's cute and it's turning out nicely. i like the way it's formatted. anyway, sorry for self promoting so much, but someone's gotta do it, ya feel. love y'all!!