The Rise And Fall Of The Stag And The Doe

it is what it is

On the first day of school, Lily wasn't early to class for the first time...ever. There were a few people already in the transfiguration classroom, sitting in the same seats they had sat in since first year. Marlene would be late; Dumbledore held her up at breakfast. Dorcas was still in the hospital wing with Remus and despite his insisting that she didn't need to miss class over him, she would. So this time Lily had to sit by herself, which had never been a problem before, but was a problem now.

If they were there she could distract herself and forget why she couldn't have just came to class with the Marauder's and why she hadn't really spoken to James in two weeks. Now there was nothing to hide in and all she could feel was shame. What was wrong with her? Why did she destroy her relationship with James? All she had to do was stay friends with him to make it through the school year, but she fucked that up so thoroughly she was surprised Sirius was still talking to her.

Biting her lip, she tapped her quill on the edge of her desk and looked over at the vacant seats. He would be there soon, now he was HeadBoy and regardless of all presumptions she had of him in the past, he took that seriously.

The truth was, all this time she had convinced herself that he was an idiot, but it was her, she was the idiot. Lily couldn't ignore it any more. She was a coward and a horrible person, so scared of falling in love with James, so scared that her actions could hurt him that she managed to hurt him worse than anything else. The ride in the Head's department on the way to school was excruciating. They had been required to only sit in there for the prefect meeting and an hour incase anyone needed them. Lily considered trying to talk to him, to apologize and try to redeem herself, but his posture was so stiff, his eyes so distant and cold that she just kept quiet.

James was a catch really and though he could do a lot better than her, she was more upset by what she had done to him than anything else. The image of how shattered he was, how damaged she had made him haunted her every minute.

And one of the worst parts about it was that no one reassured her about it. Usually when she messed up, her friends would reassure her and comfort her. Hell sometimes they even lied to her to make her feel better, but even Marlene had spent the past two weeks avoiding the subject of James in front of Lily. There was no comfort in seeing that even her friends thought the situation was hopeless and over.

This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't ask for this, but in the moments when she was really open with herself she realized she did. Lily had wanted so badly for him to stay away from her, to keep himself safe and just not need her anymore that she had made it happen. It was a wish that she never really processed what the consequences of that really would mean. She always thought she knew what she wanted because it was logical and had fewer consequences, but now she could feel how wrong that was.

After sitting by herself for a few moments, a deep ache began to twist in her chest. For the first time in a long time she really missed Mary. Not just her presence or memories they had shared together, but really Mary herself. Marlene was biased towards James, Dorcas wouldn't understand how Lily felt about everything, but Mary...Mary would help her see what she should do next. Alice was across the room and had patched things up with Lily long ago, but Lily didn't want to talk to her. This was something she was miserable about and the last thing she wanted was to make Alice any unhappier than she was.

It was kind of unsettling how much things could change in just a few short weeks.

Day 5 of Vacation

A tall blond raced through the cabin she had spent many of her summers living in. Her bare feet moved expertly through the halls until she found the person she had been searching for. When she saw him hanging out with Esmee, in one of the many rooms, her blue eyes narrowed, she flicked her back off of her face and charged to confront him.