The Rise And Fall Of The Stag And The Doe

i dont wanna miss a thing

Being gone from home for a while had begun to wear on him. It was different a year ago when he'd go on a mission. The world wasn't quite so cold back then, he'd come back and Lily would either be out on her own mission or passed out on the couch with a magazine in her hand. Now they hardly ever got to spend time together. There was just too much to be done, too much to be off fighting for.

He'd just watched the Prewett boys die and heard Moody's leg get blasted clear off. But it had gotten to the point where it barely was fazing him. He'd just told Caradoc's wife he hadn't seen Caradoc in weeks. Lily said he was going to go get his daughter something special for her birthday, a special doll she'd fancied. But he never came home and there wasn't a sign of him, which meant only one thing. It was the one thing James feared the most. Not being killed, that seemed inevitable now, but being gone, taken, and slaughtered on some countryside with his wife and friends never knowing for sure what really happened to him. He'd rather they know. Not knowing was always the worst. He saw that in Caradoc's wife's eyes when he told her there were no traces of him.

He wanted to drown in the shower. Just burn off his skin, so he could peel it off and transform into something different. He didn't feel remotely human anymore. Just like a robot, going through the motions and trying despite every jolt of agony at every cruelty he was forced to endure. Sometimes, when he hadn't seen Lily in a night or so, he would shake, haunted with the memories of the things he'd seen, the things he'd done. In those nights, he'd question whether or not he was alive.

It was a hollow thing to question, but it wasn't something he could control.

James took off his sweater, his undershirt, and his trousers. He was about to enter the shower when he glanced in the trash. It was a passing look; he'd seen the ceiling, the mirror, the sink and finally the trash bin. He stopped because he saw a curious box and on top of that box was a pregnancy test with a plus sign on it.

He choked.

The coughing started, he gripped the shower door, his hazel eyes red and his pupils dilated. He couldn't breathe for a few seconds, until he forced himself to calm down. His eyes squeezed shut and his grip on the railing so hard that his knuckles were a startling white. Once he opened his eyes again, he looked at the bin again and took very shallow breaths, his hands jumping to his hair.

He dropped to the floor, rolling into his legs, his fingers clawed into his hair as he rocked back and forth. This couldn't be happening.

They couldn't bring a child into this world. The world would eat that baby alive, a halfblooded baby of the couple that thrice defied Voldemort wouldn't stand a chance in the world that was looking for an excuse to kill it. How could they even do it? Raise a child...They both had no idea what they were doing...

A baby...A child....

Horror ripped through him, as the panic spread. One thought occurred to him as often as a beating drum; he couldn't protect them, he couldn't protect them, he couldn't protect them....

The sun went down and darkness surrounded him, until he was able to let go off the clumps of hair he had seized onto and sat up straight. He wasn't ready for this. He was 19, nearly 20, but still. He'd been married for nearly two years, but this...They wanted kids, a whole bundle of them, but in a few years when they had jobs, a house and were... ready for it. Not like this, not when they could lose everything at a moments notice.

Swiping his face, he breathed carefully.

He tried to think it was Marlene's or Alice's but he knew it wasn't. They wouldn't have taken the test there; it would be at their own flats, away from prying eyes. Lily was the only one who would have ...she probably left in a hurry and didn't think he'd look in the trash bin. Or probably, she was in such a state herself she forgot about him at all.