A Match Made in Azkaban

Umbridge is a brat (which goes without saying)

(DISCLAIMER: None of these characters - apart from some of the Dementors - belong to me.)

The war with Voldy Moldy and his merry band of deadly ballerinas was over, and everyone was happy. Except for maybe Umbridge.

She had been yeeted off to Azkaban for being a mean old toad, abusing her students and being racist to centaurs. Yes, that's a crime.

Dolores Umbridge had been stewing in an Azkaban cell for weeks now and she'd been complaining about that for every second of it. The prisoners next to her had gotten so depressed that they wanted to die instead of having their souls sucked out (which wouldn't have worked out because you can still hear things without your soul). 

Even the Dementors who had formerly inhabited the gloomy prison were sick and tired of Umbridge's listless wailing. So sick and tired, in fact, that they had all gone on permanent sick leave. Don't worry, they had asked the Minister for permission even though they would've done it either way. They were much happier hanging out with their Dementor besties and getting drunk at the wizard pubs (which freaked out a lot of people) instead of listening to the crimson toad's high pitched whining.

Perhaps I should mention that not all the Dementors had left. One Dementor particularly enjoyed the complaining and had stayed behind to listen. 

"You're crazy," said his friend when he announced that he was staying.

"I am not," the Dementor (whose name was Billy Joe Ichthyocoprolite) protested.

"You'll be wanting to leave five minutes later, trust me, Billy," the first one told him.

"Want to bet?"

"I'll definitely win."

So they were now betting for five hundred galleons. Dementors have to use money too, you know?

As Billy Joe the Dementoid glided along the dreary halls of Azkaban, listening for the groany groans of Umbridge whining her toadish head off as usual (No offense to toads). As he neared cell 666 (which was positively fitting for a demonic creature like Umbridge), he heard sounds of loveliness.

If you had half a brain, the sounds would've resembled the pained choking and croaking of a frog having it's head held in toxic liquid. But apparently Billy Joe didn't have much of a brain, as the sounds he heard were the songs of angels. Amphibious angels, yes, but still angels.

"THE FOOD HERE SUCKS!" the voice declared. "I WON'T STAND FOR IT! I HATE PIZZA!" 

What a beauty she is, Billy Joe thought. 

Umbridge continued, "AND LOOK AT THIS GRAPE!" She put a slimy grape on the table (no doubt she'd dropped it onto the gross-looking floor). "IT LOOKS LIMPER THAN OCTAVIAN'S HAIRS!" 

And so clever, Billy Joe thought.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!" Umbridge threw a tantrum, smacking her fists on the floor like my awful cousin Greta.

And just look at how kind and patient she is, Billy Joe looked at her with a silly grin on his face.

Billy Joe was, as you can see, ever-so-slightly off his rocker (and not in the good way either).

"YOU THERE!" Umbridge bawled at him, still on the floor. 

The Dementoid turned bright red, cloak and all. Was she talking to him?

"YEAH, YOU!" she nodded her head wildly, the bow sitting in her hair hanging on for dear life. It was miraculous that it hadn't fallen off during the tyrant woman's tirade.

The guy in cell 665 was writhing around on the floor in pain induced by Dolores Umbridge's idiotic-ness, but Billy Joe couldn't care less. He floated up to the woman, inwardly squealing with joy.

"What's your name?" she asked, a disdainful look spreading across her face at the very sight of Billy. His heart sank.

"Billy Joe, your highness," he screeched for no reason whatsoever, bowing fifty times in a row.

"FETCH ME SOME FRISKIES!" the old toad commanded him imperiously.

He blinked. "Your Majesty... Pardon me, but aren't Friskies cat food?"

"I DON'T CARE!" she reached through the bars, grabbed Billy by the ends of his cloak, and threw him out of the window.

'SAYONARA, TOOL GUY!" she shouted before Billy fell out of sight.

I'm sorry this sucks, really I am. Billy is going to try his best to win the crimson amphibian's nonexistent and poisonous heart, so stay tuned if you want. Thanks for reading.

*jumps out of window after Billy*