A Match Made in Azkaban

Billy Joe and his band of merry potion makers

Harry looked around, uncertain of what to do, for his new bro was weeping away like a water fountain. 

He recalled a list of things-to-do-when-your-friend-is-sad that Hermione had given him after berating him and Ron about what insensitive little toenails they were. 

List of things to do when your bro is wailing away miserably:

1. Comfort them in a soft voice because no one likes being yelled at when they're crying.

Harry stood up straight. He knew what to do now. 

"HEY BILLY!" He screamed like a goat in Billy Joe's ear.

Billy Joe freaked out and tossed him out of the window. Then he went back to crying, thinking that Harry would not return a second time to roar at him in what he thought was a reassuring tone.

Just then, Harry's plummeting was halted by who else but PETER PAN! And not to forget Tinkerbell and that fairy named Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare. Puck, Tinkerbell and Peter Pan had caught Harry in a large, cold and hard fish tank, where he was sure he'd broken his spine on impact.

They helpfully threw Harry back into the room with the force and speed of a Roman onager, and flew off to considerately break people's spines with a fish tank.

"TOODLE-OO, OEDIPUSES!" They cackled wildly and swooped after some random Hufflepuff who had fallen out the window (that happens a lot at Hogwarts).

Billy Joe groaned and proceeded to fall down facefirst onto the shaggy carpet in total exasperation.

Harry grinned and spread his arms, ignoring the fact that he'd been rescued by fish tank wielding fairies and the fact that Ron and Hermione were staring at him like he'd been rescued by fish tank wielding fairies.

He crept up to Billy Joe and roared comfortingly, "IT'S GONNA BE FINE, BRO."

Billy Joe screamed and threw him out of the window once more. The fairies didn't catch him this time.

~two hours of skull-mending (courtesy of Madam Pomfrey) later~

"SO HOW CAN WE HELP?" Harry shouted soothingly. Billy Joe winced and resisted the urge to fatally injure him.

"Silencio!" Hermione said, jabbing her wand in Harry's direction. Harry screamed in rage, but no one could hear him. He then proceeded to roll off the bed and out of the window.

"Accio Harry!" Ron waved his wand wildly. The black-haired boy zoomed back in through the window and Ron hugged him tightly. "BESTIES FOREVER," they screeched sweetly, in unison.

"Enough of that, you twits," Hermione glared. "We've got to help Billy." Billy Joe's teared up and hugged Hermione.

"Anyway, how's the old toad treating you?"

Billy assumed the 'toad' was Umbridge and replied, "I think she hates me."

"She hates everyone."

"That's the problem," wailed Billy.

"Oh."

"She refuses to speak to me and acts like I'm the scum of the Earth. Also, she doesn't like pizza," Billy shook his head sadly. "And she's got a crush on," he lowered his voice, "Vernon Dursley."

Harry's eyes bulged right out of his head. "SHE WHAT!"

"She saw him in the newspaper. He won the prize for Best Suburban Family Lawn," Billy wiped his tears.

Ron blinked. Was there really such a ridiculous prize?

"Your uncle, Harry?" Ron asked tentatively. Harry nodded.

"HOW DO I GET RID OF HIM?" Billy Joe groaned. Hermione's eyes lit up and an evil grin spread across her face. She sped out of the room and out of sight. 

"That was unexpected," noted Billy.

A few moments later, Hermione skidded back into the room on a sled, with Santa Claus on the shotgun seat. "I'VE GOT IT!" She shrieked. 

"Here, let me see," Ron clambered over Billy Joe to get a better look at the book she was holding. 

The book was titled Befuddlish Songs.

"What's a befuddlish song?" Billy Joe questioned. 

"It's a song you can use to brainwash people into doing your own bidding," Hermione explained.

Harry vaulted over them and landed with a flourish (and Blotts). He then leaned over the page and read, "These, you see, are befuddlish songs. They're kinda like the Imperius curse but not really. To make one of these, you must first become Ariel the little mermaid." He tilted his head. "What does that mean?" 

"I know what it means," Ron said. Harry looked up to raise his eyebrow at Ron and immediately fell down.

I mean, who wouldn't fall down if their best friend had suddenly morphed into the little mermaid?

Of course, Harry didn't fall down because he was surprised, he fell down laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ron demanded indignantly. 

"Nothing," Harry replied, who was sure his ribs had cracked from laughing.

"You're laughing at me," Ron glared at him, jumping up and hopping towards the door in his utter fury. He ran into the doorframe and spat out a string of curse words.

"CONCENTRATE ON HELPING BILLY, YOU SENTIENT BUBONIC PLAGUES!" Hermione yelled, dragging the boys back to where Billy was sitting.

"Anyway, according to this book which is so darn thin it could be mistaken for a Biff and Chip book, we'll need these ingredients:  

1. Ariel the little mermaid

2. Fifty seven oranges

3. Shakespeare's best writing pen

4. Benedict Cumberbatch's shoes                                                                                                                            

Then, we'll need to mash it all up together and make Ariel drink the mashed up grossness. Then Ariel must sing a particularly ear-wormy song," Hermione announced.

Just then, the author popped up nearby to make things easier for them (very rare indeed). She had with her a Walmart shopping cart full of oranges, and a baby blue pen with a fluffy top, which was a light shade of pink. (Who knew Shakespeare liked fluff?)

"Sup, fools," she kicked open a nearby closet to reveal DUN DUN DUN who else but Benedict Cumberbatch himself. 

"Bye, fools," the author proceeded to skid down the hall on Hermione's sled, with Santa Claus riding shotgun. 

"Who was that?" Billy asked. The three humans shrugged. They didn't have a clue.

"We should start brewing the mashed up grossness before the oranges start rotting," Billy Joe suggested. "Righto then," Harry lifted all the oranges in one go because he's freaking Harry Potter and got to work mashing them to bits. Hermione took the pen and stood on it, waiting for it to crack. Billy threw the shoes inside the blender, ignoring Benedictus Cucumberfairy's protests. And Ron just sat on a large seashell, singing the only song he knew for warm-up - the coconut song. Then they went and poured all the mashed up ingredients into Snape's favourite cauldron.

Eventually, a rotting smell wafted into the room from the depths of Snape's yucky pot. The potion was finished.

Ron threw up in anticipation.

(WELL HELLO

THANK YOU FOR READING

WELL GOODBYE 

*dives into the depths of Snape's yucky pot*)