A Match Made in Azkaban

A Trip to Azkaban

Billy Joe sat down next to Hermione. "It's done, isn't it?"

Hermione nodded, beaming and rubbing her hands together to the tune of the medieval version of Poker Face.

Bach burped suggestively. Wartihog bashed him.

Haydn went into hiding, jumping straight into a closet. He immediately acquainted himself with a large fluffy winter coat.

Obama sang soprano and Billy Joe clapped politely.

"Shaddup," Hermione announced to the kerfuffling kerfufflers. "I need to pour this potion into Ron's throat." She tipped Snape's cauldron slightly to the left on one of its legs.

"Wait, what?" Ron swiveled around on his mermaid rock, which had seventy five robotic legs. 

"Go eat siracha sauce and steal Dumbledore's favourite hockey puck," Bach suggested.

"Yeah, what else would we need a mermaid for? SHUDDUP, BACH!" said Wartihog, who was fully engaged in a fistfight against Bach. They warbled soundly, punching back and forth. Haydn yodeled inside his closet, although no one could hear him.

Ron freaked out and flopped about like a large tuna with a bad case of constipation.

"PATIENTS WITH SPATTERGROIT SHOULD STAND NAKED IN A BUCKET OF EEL'S EYES-" screamed Bach.

Hermione waded her way over to him and tipped the large glass of whatever that was into Ron's mouth. He gurgled and flopped about. 

"SHRIEKY POO," Hermione declared as Ron gargled and clutched his throat. "GUMBY THRUMBY CHUMBY," she announced, wiggling her fingers in the shape of Doctor Strange. "THRONGS OF CATERPILLARS!"

As Hermione's shrieks faded out from earshot - she had fallen out the window - Ron's gargling and gurgling subsided, becoming faint coughs. 

"I think the potion worked," Ron hacked violently, rolling over. "Harry, mate, hand me that towel, will you?" 

Harry straightened up, his eyes glazing over. He grabbed a towel and handed it to Ron the way a worshipper would do to a god.

"Harry, you alright? Yo u look like you've been hit by a shovel," Ron laughed, toweling the flecks of potion which had gotten onto his mermaid tail off. 

Harry's eyes refocused, and his tensed up body relaxed. "I think the potion worked too. If you had sang that command, I would've been handing you towels for life."

"HAND ME A BUCKET OF MUSIC SHEETS," Bach howled musically/suggestively.

Hermione flew into the room headfirst as if she had been violently flung from the bucket of a Valdezapult. 

"Urgy Wurg," she gummed on a stick. 

"Oo, she's got a stick," Harry pointed out happily.

Hermione whacked Harry over the head with a crossbow.

"It's killed me! It's killed me!" He cried, clutching his toes.

"Don't be a git," Hermione chided crossly, her arms crossed, her legs crossed, and her eyes crossed.

"We need to get going," Bach urged, having been defeated by Wartihog.

It was the first good suggestion Bach had had that day.

- time skip brought to you by the author's existential crisis -

"We're here," said Billy Joe hopefully, staring at the gates of Azkaban.

"I thought there would be more Demembers here," honked Hermione, flapping her ears.

"Poo poo," Ron said in a sappy tone.

"Shaddup," Harry smacked Ron in the nose.

"There is a Dementor, look, over there. That's my best buddy Louie Louise Louis," Billy Joe swished his cloaks to the left in Louie Louise Louis's direction.

"Billy Joe! I was beginning to think you'd never return," scowled Louie. "I've been listening to that old toad whine her head off all day. I've been installing soundproof panels." He lifted his hands off the walls, which they now noticed was bedecked with the grey lumpy foam things you see on the walls of music studios.

"What are you doing?" Billy Joe shouted in disbelief. "Stop it now! I can't hear the angelic dulcet tones of my beloved anymore! Louie, you traitor! Take down your soundproof panels!" Billy Joe stomped his fingernails.

"No!" Louie frantically superglued the panels to the rocky outer walls of Azkaban, desperately pulling down the snaky vines which roped around the prison. 

"PLANT MURDERER! PLANT MURDERER!" Billy Joe waved his fists.

There was a snap, a crackle and a pop as Ron crunched down on his popcorn, nonchalantly sitting in the shade, his mermaid tail flapping slightly.

Hermione was screaming at the water. ("FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU CANNOT APPARATE IN AND OUT WHEN YOU'RE AT HOGWARTS!")

Harry farted forlornly, trying to remember the lyrics of that song from Moana.

"Don't make me have to come up there, Louie. We were friends and we can still be. All I ask of you is that you take down the sound boards," Billy Joe snarled, levelling his feet.

"Shaddup, man," Louie threw a Fanta can at Billy's head. It bounced off his cloak and fell into the sand with a muffled thump.

Billy's eyes flashed, and all was left of him was a speeding grey blur as he raced towards the steel gates of the prison. With one slam of his soggy, clawed hand, the hinges rattled and shattered into a billion pieces. 

"WITH THE POWER OF LOVE, I DISPEL THIS DOOR!" Billy Joe yelled dramatically, his cloak turning a violent shade of magenta.

The door fell down with a dusty-sounding bang. Billy Joe hitched up the hem of his cloak and floated into the interior of the jail, Hermione, Harry and Ron (Who had all completely missed Billy Joe's super entrance, by the way) following from behind. 

The stairs in the lobby seemed to go on forever. Sewer water dripped from the marred ceiling as Billy Joe ran a bony Dementor finger over the scratch marks on the wall. A series of images flashed through his mind, all of prisoners trying to make their last grab of freedom - and inevitably failing. What was Billy Joe thinking? This place was designed to hurt, to kill. He couldn't possibly make his friends go all the way up with him.

Therefore, they took the elevator.

Yes, Azkaban has an elevator. It is 2020 after all. Harry hummed to the beginning of I Want It That Way as they sped all the way to the sixty-sixth floor. By the time they had arrived, the dementor and The Boy Who lived were having a sing off.

(A/N: I haven't updated in weeks, so here's a filler. Thanks for reading.)