A Match Made in Azkaban

Billy finds new bros

Last I checked, Billy was still plummeting from the window of an Azkaban cell. 

Good news, he still is.

Bad news, he still is.

Sadly, we must abandon Billy to fall to his not-death and go check on Harry Potter, the guy who somehow lives through everything but with awful consequences which make us want to wrap him up in blankets and offer him hot chocolate.

As usual, Harry was still at Hogwarts. He had, after all, missed a year of school in order to pursue the Dark Lord's soul fragments across the world. Thus, both Hermione and Dumbledore (who had miraculously returned from the dead as a Zombie three minutes later after Voldemort had died) insisted that he stay along with the rest of the peeps and learn more stuff. 

Unfortunately, the Headmaster had introduced Muggle Mathematics to the Hogwarts school curriculum, so Harry was currently writhing around on the floor in utmost pain, ripping his timetable up and firing the wads of paper across the room as spitballs. However, the spitballs simply unfurled themselves and regrouped, floating back to Harry. It both was a curse and a blessing. The curse was the fact that he couldn't claim that a rabid animal had ingested his timetable, and the blessing was the fact that he could rip the timetable up as many times as he wished to.

 "It really is for your own good, Harry," Hermione reasoned.

Harry's face contorted with pain. "AAAAAAAAAGHHHH," he wailed, rolling around like some sort of insect.

Hermione made a similar facial expression. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH," she screamed with equal vigour. "I DON'T WANT TO DO MATH EITHER, HARRY, BUT IT'S FOR THE BEST," she fell onto the bit of floor beside Harry and started rolling around in unison with Harry.

Then, Ron burst in, sunglasses on his freckly face and 'Single Ladies' playing in the background. He did jazz hands as glitter and sparkles rained down around him. Then he screamed in agony and started rolling around with Hermione and Harry.

"I DON'T WANT TO DO MATH," they bawled.

"I don't want to either," sobbed the author.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" the three friends snapped out of their wailing and stared at her like she was from another universe - which she was.

"I'm not sorry, I'll leave," the author cried, jumping out of the window with her Math homework tucked under her armpit, tears dripping down her face.

The Math-hating trio jumped up and peered out of the window. It was a long drop. Hermione heard a faint splat from down below and winced. 

"I DON'T WANT TO DO HOMEWORK," they continued wailing.

"What's all this ruckus about?" Dumbledore the zombie opened the door.

The crying students all turned towards him with looks of total anger printed on their tear-stained faces.

"ATTACK, GIRLS!" Hermione yelled.

"But we're boys," Ron corrected her quietly.

"I DON'T CARE! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!" They launched themselves at the half-dead Headmaster, who screamed like a little girl and slammed the door in their faces. Hermione, Harry and Ron crumpled to the floor in utter misery.

"I can help you with your Math," someone behind them said.

"New phone, who dis?" Harry whipped his head around.

It was Billie Eillish.

No, sorry, wrong Billy.

It was Billy Joe, who'd apparently fallen flat on his face back at Azkaban, then had sought to get help at Hogwarts. He had booked a private flight to get there. It was only private because Billy Joe had frightened the passengers away.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! GIRLS, ATTACK!" Harry declared passionately, not scared of the Dementor (he looked rather harmless) but still wanting to attack something.

"But I'm a boy," Ron corrected him quietly.

"I DON'T CARE! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!"

~five hours of kicking and punching issued by Harry and Ron (Hermione was too smart to get involved) later~ 

"What are your intentions?" Harry asked in a harsh tone (as he should've done before he and Ron beaten Dementor up).

"I need..." Billy Joe choked. "Girl advice."

"Oh." Roonil Wazlib (Ron) proceeded to step forward and help the struggling Dementor up.

"You're our bro now," Harry said solemnly, patting the Dementor. Billy Joe flushed bright red with joy.

"So, brothers," Harry pushed Hermione aside. "We must listen to... What's your name?" he looked up at Billy Joe.

"I'm Joe. Billy Joe," he tried sounding like James Bond but failed miserably. Ron raised his eyebrows.

"Uh, we must listen to I'm Joe Billy Joe's sad tale," Ron nodded seriously.

"Just Billy Joe, please."

"Right. So, Just Billy Joe, who's the lovely lady you're after?" Harry wiggled his eyebrows, ignoring Hermione who was making rude gestures at them while calling Luna over with a fellytone. (Was that even allowed on school grounds? Probably not, but at that point absolutely no one cared.)

"Oh... you'd know her," Billy Joe sighed dreamily. "She's clever, kind, brave... Everything a guy or girl or non binary person could hope for."

Harry was silent as he analyzed the situation. "Wait a minute." He jumped up. "YOU'RE AFTER GINNY!?"

"Eh?" Ron asked absentmindedly, his gaze fixed on the chicken drumstick in his fist.

"YOU CAN'T BE AFTER GINNY, I'M AFTER GINNY!" Harry paced around the room, visibly rattled.

"No, no, no!" Billy Joe shook his head. "No other girl could possibly compare to her!"

Harry was silent again. "WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU SAYING GINNY ISN'T AS GOOD AS YOUR CRUSH? OHH, MISTER, I AM GOING TO PROVE TO YOU THAT SHE 100% IS!"

"No! That's not what I meant at all!" Billy Joe backed away from Harry, who was practically frothing at the mouth at this point.

"Well then?" Harry frowned, going back to his seat, where he now sat cross-legged. "Who is she? Who could possibly best Ginny?"

"Her name is... well..."

"Spit it out, I don't have all day." Harry actually did have all day, he just didn't want to admit it.

"Dolores. Dolores Umbridge."

The two boys shouted, which made Hermione scream and drop her quill, which then splattered a nasty trail of ink over the bed.

"Scourgify!" She announced, and the bedsheets cleaned themselves. Then she went on her own merry way, out of the room where she wouldn't have to listen to such utter schist.

"UMBRIDGE!?" Ron howled, spitting out bits of chicken leg.

"THAT WITCH!" Harry screamed.

Billy Joe looked at his newfound bros. His newfound bros who didn't accept his beloved Umbridge.

Then he broke down crying.

Uh hello.

Sorry this wasn't much good either.

Hope you enjoyed it anyway. *jumps out of window before remembering that I've already done that*