The Disaster on Big Bertha

Scene 1 - Part 2

Kaitlyn is dragging the reluctant Mr. Saldana

KAITLYN

Dad, you're coming with me!

MR. SALDANA

Do I really need to be here?

KAITLYNUmmm...yeah? Why?

MR. SALDANA

We live five minutes away. You can walk by yourself. You're old enough, Kaitlyn.

KAITLYN

I keep telling you, Dad. The day I stopped asking you to walk me to the bus stop was the very first time I conjugated in the wrong tense in Advanced Spanish HL!

MR. SALDANA

Ay caramba!

KAITLYN

I can't let that happen again! You're like my lucky charm! My leprechaun of a dad!

MR. SALDANA

That's creepy.

KAITLYN

Please, Dad? I know I'm getting superstitious but you're all I need.

MR. SALDANA

Good grief, Kaitlyn! I thought I raised you better than this!

KAITLYN

Did you? All my memories past the age of eight are of me taking care of myself. I learned how to use an oven when I was ten. Me. A little ten year old girl had to operate a stove to avoid starving to death because her alcoholic father was too busy writing his stupid script to care.

MR. SALDANA (ignores her entirely)

You know how to use the stove?

KAITLYN

Yes, Dad! I made eggs for you this morning remember?

MR. SALDANA

Oh, right! They tasted like dog defecation. Pancake House makes better cheese omelettes than you

KAITLYN

Wow, it's almost like they're a breakfast diner. Thanks! And what are you talking about? That omelette didn't have any cheese...

Mr. Saldana faces the audience and has a very dead expression, confused as to why he tasted cheese in his omelette.

MR. SALDANA

Look. I'm gonna go home and write my next script. It's gonna make us rich one day, Kaitlyn.

KAITLYN

Because your last thirty have worked *so* well!

MR. SALDANA (is too dumb to realize the sarcasm)Precisely! Try to make some friends today, alright? Parents need a break too, y'know?

Mr Saldana begins to walk away whilst Kaitlyn looks offended.

KAITLYN

Bye, Jordan.

MR. SALDANA

Try "Dad".

Mr Saldana walks offstage. Kaitlyn approaches the two boys and stands by them looking very innocent.