Nick and Charlie - A Heartstopper Fanfiction

Chapter 7 - Charlie

Yeah, I know, another Charlie chapter. I just find it easy to get into his mind and he's also my favourite character so it's much easier for me to write in his perspective, but I promise I'll do someone else after this.

That evening, Nick and I stayed up late watching James Bond films. I'd never been much of a James Bond fan, to be honest, but I didn't feel like going to bed alone and at least I got to spend more time with Nick. At the end of 'Skyfall', it was eleven o'clock, and that's when we both realised that we had only been watching the films to keep from discussing the wedding.

'So... Tao?' I asked him, but he silenced me with a kiss. Surprised, I gave him a look.
'We don't have to talk about it yet,' he said softly. 'There's still time.'
(AN: Just a warning, this part contains some heavy kissing and implied sexual intent, though no actual smut or anything like that. Skip if you don't like that.)
'Yeah,' I replied. 'There's still time.' Nick kissed me again, for longer this time, and I felt all the tension in my body just melt away. That was what Nick did to me.

He buried his hands in my hair and pulled me closer, entangling his legs in mine. He smelled like coconut and vanilla, and his lips tasted of lemon.

When he finally pulled away for air, I looked into his eyes and saw only love. Love for me? Or love for the situation? When he kissed me again, I kept my eyes open.

His hands soon ventured from my hair down to my neck and travelled down my spine, igniting all the nerve endings I didn't even know I had. They lightly touched the bare skin on the small of my back and I drew in a gasp. Why did he make me feel this way? There was just something about him that got the stony stillness inside me moving again.

His hands soon dipped under my shirt, rubbing my back with his thumbs. We were not doing anything dirty, because I was with Nick. Nothing with Nick could ever be dirty. Because Nick was the sun. That was the only way I could think to describe it. The feeling he gave me.

Nick's fingers soon started to rest on the bony ridges of my spine, and I began to feel self-conscious. Although I'd started eating regularly and healthily now, I still worried I was too skinny. Too... not perfect. The reasonable side of me told me that Nick would never judge me for my body, and that I could just relax. But the other side of my brain, the one that often dominated my thoughts, countered otherwise.

It got worse when he tried to lift my shirt. Sure, he'd seen me shirtless dozens of times before. It had been ten years, after all. We saw each other shirtless all the time even before we were dating, while getting changed for rugby. I'd never had a problem with it before. But now I did. And I didn't know why.

I'd never said no to Nick before. I didn't want to start. But maybe I should, for my own good.
'Nick,' I mumbled against his cheek, and he pulled away barely a centimetre.
'Sorry,' he whispered, removing his hands from beneath my shirt.
'It's okay, I just... can't right now. Sorry.'
'You don't need to be sorry. It's my fault. I should have been more careful.' I just felt guilty now. Nick should not be blaming himself for my insecurities. It was own stupid fault that any of this was happening.
'Don't. Just... don't.' I gave him one last kiss, on his forehead, before getting up and walking away.
'Where are you going?' Nick asked.
'Bed. I'm tired. Sorry.' As I left, I heard Nick say my name.

I lay in bed, restless as ever. I didn't feel like reading, even if my current read was the wonderful Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell. (AN: I have in fact just finished rereading this book myself, and I HIGHLY recommend it. It's an incredible piece of work and so moving.) I wasn't hungry. I wasn't thirsty or too hot or too cold. The bed was comfy. I had enough space. So why couldn't I sleep? Duh. I never could. Anxiety can do that to you.

God. I was such an idiot. Such a fucking idiot. Why did I have to run away? It felt good; it felt amazing. But I had to go and ruin it for us both. The feel of his mouth on mine, of his fingertips exploring my body... I couldn't get his image out of my head. The look he gave me when I walked away. He was so sad. I rejected him. God.

I was beginning to wonder if this whole marriage thing was right. Not that I didn't love him. I did. It was more that I felt selfish. I was forcing him into this commitment with me, who was so emotionally unstable I would probably kill myself at the drop of a hat. That may have been an exaggeration. But the principle was the same.

To save us both the heartbreak... I should end it now. It would only end in tears further down the line. But then again... I needed him. Who knew where I'd be without Nick?

What was I going to do?

God.