I'm really sorry this took so long. You may not have been that bothered about the fact I haven't been posting, but it bothers me. :P I finished Eli & Aeryn, then I got really sick, then it was Christmas, then I had writer's block, and I just haven't been able to write. So, I hope this isn't too bad a comeback. :)
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I did not see him for three weeks, and my heart that he had set ablaze with his touch was slowly crumbling.
He didn't come to school - I barely resisted the urge to punch the shit out of our English teacher who made sarky comments about how him missing so much school wouldn't affect his final grade because he was already doing so terribly. I wanted to scream at him that my best friend was fucking dying, and his stupid little speeches about Macbeth wouldn't make any difference to the little life he had left.
I tried calling him, texting him - so did Sawyer - but there was never any answer, any reply. At first I thought it was me, and I think in those few minutes that I considered that option my heart literally broke, because I couldn't breathe and it felt like someone had dropped a few tonnes of flaming wreckage onto my chest and it kept pushing, and pushing until it melted into my flesh. I was so stupid. He had only ever dated girls - one, really - but how could I have ever thought he would like me like that, let alone love me like I'd told him? I'd probably terrified him. He'd probably never want to see me again, and that hurt so badly but I knew it was my fault because I messed up.
I ran all the way to his house. It's technically not that far away, but I've never been into sports and it was like a fucking marathon for me and my unfit, scrawny body. I pounded my fists against his front door, breathing heavily with probably patchy tomato cheeks before I realised that neither his mum or Eric's cars where parked outside his house. No matter how badly he got along with Eric and his mum, they would never leave him alone now. I realised that he would probably not jump ship and cross country to get away from me, taking his family with him, and I guess in that short moment I felt the tiniest bit happy and relieved because he knew I loved him and he wasn't, yet, running.
But then all of that relief and happiness disappeared in a whirlwind of fear because my best friend had...had...was ill, and had not been seen for a week, at that point.
I had been sat at home wallowing in self pity because I had been a freaking idiot and he could have - fuck - he could have died.
I think I had a panic attack then. My breaths came out in short puffs and I sank to the ground with a clouded head and grey-speckled vision because he was dead. He was dead.
I remember a blurred face of a woman coming into view and a muffled voice asking me, "Are you okay?"
No, he's dead. I am not okay.
The woman was one of his neighbours and she obviously knew me more than I knew her because she drove me home while I sat curled up and shaking in the back of her car.
I stayed in my room for the next two weeks. I couldn't eat much more than a sandwich without throwing it up and I did not go downstairs to speak to anyone. I refused to go to school, and because I could not eat I was too weak to move much anyway. I put my phone on vibrate because Sawyer wouldn't stop calling me and I just wanted to be alone. I didn't really, I wanted him but I couldn't have him.
On the last day of those few weeks, something like a lightening bolt of hope rushed through me and I found myself standing weakly and stumbling out of my room, downstairs and out through the front door. I couldn't go very far without short breaks, but eventually I reached his house. I sat on the step in front of the front door, leaning against it heavily. The cars still weren't there. I closed my eyes for a moment, but when I awoke it was dark and cold and I was still alone. I pulled myself up and put my arm over my sleepy eyes to block the bright headlights that flooded around the corner. I leaned back against the door again. I felt so weak and my head was spinning so fast I thought I was going to throw up again even though I hadn't eaten anything. I was so tired..so tired...
"Alec?"
Was I dying too? I'd never believed in God, but maybe I was going to heaven. He was waiting for me, calling to me.
"Alec, fuck."
Then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. He was gripping me tightly to his chest. I couldn't speak as he pulled away slightly, his body illuminated by the headlights of his mum's car. He looked like an angel in the spotlight, but I already thought of him as one.
"Alec," he said again, his voice was hoarse and it sounded like he was crying.
I couldn't check to see if he was, though, because my vision failed me and my legs buckled beneath me. But just before I fell I thought I heard him say, "I love you."
***
She looked like she had tears in her eyes, and as she often did these days, she didn't say anything. She didn't ask me anything.
It's not like she needed to anymore. I didn't need prompts. Now I had really started, I couldn't stop.
