Kitties and Titties (A Klance Fanfic)

Episode Nine- Parti Hardi

  Lance's eyes flickered open to the sight of a nasty ass light in the shape of a "Boobie... heh." Lance smiled to himself as he slowly sat up. But then his body did that thing that character's body's do in cartoons when they get shocked. "OUCHIE." He yelled. "You ripped your stitches dude. Sit down." He heard a voice from the bathroom say.

  Lance quickly realized what was going on. "Did you DEFILE me sir?!?!" Lance yelled, flopping his body on to the floor like one of the newborn baby seals he had seen playing on the Discovery channel at the soup kitchen. "What? No, I-" The man, who Lance recognized as the same man he had talked to outside the presinct, stepped out of the bathroom with a tooth brush in his mouth, he was shirtless, wearing nothing but one of those cheap ass motel towels around his waist. His mouth dropped open and his toothbrush plonked Lance on the head. "Hey, guy, get back on the bed! Come on it took me forever to fix those..." He grumbled, picking up Lance by the legs and yeeting him back onto the matress.

  Lance chewed on the pillow his face had been planted on. "I'm hungry Mr Chinevietnamjapan." He groaned . "What?" Mr K-Pop said. He flipped over Lance like one of meemaws cranberry pancakes. "Are you ok dude? You seemed real out of it outside the pig pen... And-" He gestured to Lance's hamburger helper stomach, "I see why now... But..." Lance was staring at Mr Jojo's Bizarre Adventure pecs intently, purely to asses the threat of his muscle, as Lance was not gay.

  "Ok, let's do this again." Big boy said. "My name is Takashi Shirogane and I am an officer of the F.B.I. I'm here investigating an international criminal by the name of Keith Kogane. He is known to go by several allias's as well, but he's a dumb shit so sometimes he just tells people his real name on accident. Have you been in contact with this man?" Lance's head rolled around like a newborn human baby (he didn't see this one on Discovery). "Coke. Coke please." He said. Officer Shirogane was flustered, but ready to comply. He felt so close to pounding that punk Kogane kid. Not like in a gay sex way though, you're nasty. "Ok... Ok yeah I can get you that. There's a vending machine right outs-" Lance plopped his hang on his mouth. "No dumb dumb... Cocaine por favor."

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  Two hours later Lance and Officer Shirogane were vibing pretty well. Shiro had promised Lance that he wouldn't be in trouble for drugs, as long as he pledged to give him any current and future information he may recceive on Keith. So he had gone to Keith's apartment (which three opposums had taken up as a vacation spot) to retreive some "fun fun good time stuff," as Lance described it.

  "Ok man, I got the stuff. Are you ready to talk now?" Shiro asked nervously, after all he just walked three blocks back to the motel with a bag full of a wide array of drugs. Lance was inch worming along the floor because it was the quickest way to get the itchy stitches out of his temple. Once again, Shiro had to wrangle the little boy back onto the bed. He was bleeding even more then when he had first found him now. "OK, dude, can you just chill out for like, six minutes?" He moaned. Lance licked his stomach wound, as flexibility such as that was very easy for him due to.... certain excersises. 

  Shiro was a pretty angry boy. He felt that maybe this guy could've given him good dirt on Kogane, but in reality he was just a mentally ill crackhead. He punched a hole straight through the wall. "FUCK." He screamed. "Watch you mouth dickwad." Lance yelled, throwing his pillow at him. Shiro laughed. "Fuck you! Fuck all of this!" He rubbed his temples. "I'm done. This is so stupid! Everything's...." Lance sucked on his own toes, "Everything's over for me." Lance looked up, he did like a good dish sesh. "Oh gurl, spill." He said, laying on the edge of the bed, getting a bodacious view of Officer Shirogane's abs. "My job, my family, my..... My marriage, I guess?" He sat down on the bed, crying. Lance licked his tears tenderly.

  "I... I lied. Not about being an FBI agent, technically, that's true, it's just... I'm not here, officially, I guess?" Shiro looked at Lance nervous that he might flip out, but he looked really infatuated with a stain in the shape of Betty White on the wall in front of him. "The Bureau has given up on Kogane after he supposedly died. No one believed me that he had faked his death... They said I just couldn't give up on it. And yeah, that's true." His gaze wandered to Lance. "My first husband, [REDACTED].... He was killed by this man, Keith Kogane." Lance whipped around, meeting his gaze. "Oh shit, you a homo?" He remarked. "Uh.... yeah? Is that... Important?" Shiro stood up, towering over Lance. "Oh. Nah. No not really." Lance said, shooting a thumbs up. "Equal marriage bro." Shiro nodded at this iconic ally.

   "Yeah, anyways... I'm re-married now but each morning I can't help but think of that night when...." He began to become choked up. "I-I-I..... He... He made me watch when he-" Lance digged some good angst, but this was too much, so he started to french kiss him to get him to shut up. He didn't push him away, so it wasn't assault, obviously.