School of the Crown Assassins

18

Nydia

I know I'm stupid. That's not the point.

But I suppose you're expecting an explanation.

Where do I start? Right.

See, I was doing my job like the fantastic person I was. I'd grabbed my bow and quiver from where I hid it and climbed up a tree to watch the guards. It wasn't long until I spotted the others making their way for the guest house, looking like idiots (which is a serious insult coming from me) as they ducked and dashed between the trees even though they could've just walked normally in the path they were taking and would still be entirely concealed. I expected Xavier to point it out, but I suppose he secretly has a thirst for dramatics.

I scanned the grounds. All the guards were going through their routine, floating across the area like depressed tumbleweed. At that point, I started daydreaming about giant walking soup. And how if giant walking soup bowls formed an army, they could take over the world by flooding it in carrots and hot water.

A disturbing thought for sure. But I don't think I would mind floating around on a large piece of broccoli for the rest of my life. Better than eating it.

Anyways, I was doing my annoying part of the job and sitting out of all the fun when a large brown stick decided to fall in front of my face and refused to move out of my way. When the stick started coiling around, I finally decided to truly look at said stick instead of daydreaming, when I realized what it was.

A snake.

A giant motherfudging snake was in my face. So, I screamed.

I know what you're thinking. "But, Nydia, you're an assassin. You're trained to handle scary things." But I'm not supposed to be assassinating snakes, so that was a very reasonable reaction, though inconvenient.

But that's not the embarrassing part.

See, I was in great panic after seeing a snake shoved in my face, so I was disoriented and couldn't think straight. Hence, my stupid ass thought I was still on land and decided to jump back, except I was sitting on top of a fucking tree. I don't think I need to explain the laws of gravity to you.

I fell through the tree branches and landed on my butt. This was why I hated heights. And nature. And the sun. The sun was always all in your face like, "Look at me! No one loved me when I was an itty bitty child, so I'm running around in the middle of the goddamn sky and getting all up in your eyes when you have a concussion and throbbing headache after falling off a tree just so that you can notice me!"

I get it. You're the reason I exist. Now leave me alone.

After dealing with the snake (which meant falling on my ass and pretending like it no longer existed), I heard footsteps nearing and shouts. The guards came running for the one exciting thing that's ever happened in their lives. Of course, they were about to be very disappointed when they met my ugly ass. Correction, my ugly face. My ass is quite nice.

I had gotten to my feet when the guards jumped into the clearing and shouted, "Hands in the air!"

I had two problems with that: a) we were five feet apart. He didn't need to scream at me like I was on top of the goddamned Willis Tower. Only I'm allowed to do that. And b) couldn't the dude have found something more creative to say? Like "Do the chicken dance" or "Eat a cookie"? I would've happily obliged to both options.

"No."

The guard blinked. "Um, what?"

"What what?"

"I said, hands in the air!"

Really? I thought you said, "Destroy my face. It looks like an angry fly and could use some redecoration."