voices. • the third book in the mute. series • muke au

monster.

Michael.

"Michael, you need to go to therapy. You need to do something. All you do is sit here and stare and the damn ceiling! You aren't even trying! Do you understand you are going to loose everything? Your daughter, Luke, everything! Are you even listening to what I'm saying!?!"

I glance over at Ashton bordley, "You act like I haven't already lost them." Then I return my focus onto counting the dots in the popcorn ceiling. So far I'm at 217.

"What are you talking about?"

"You saying all of this like I ever have a chance of being normal again. I don't. I never have a chance of being with Luke again and I never have a chance of being a father to my child and I never have any chance of getting out of here." I say blankly.

249...

"Wh-Why would you even say something like that? Don't you want to get better? Don't you want to be with your family?" he says, taken back.

"Yes."

302...

"Then why aren't you trying? I don't understand, you wanted nothing than to be with Luke, you wanted to get better for him. You've been in here for over a month and you haven't even asked about him! I don't get it! Last time you asked about him ever five minutes, now...nothing." he sighs, standing and combing through his hair roughly with his fingers.

387...

"Michael." he snaps his fingers in front of my face, "Why aren't you trying to get better? You love Luke, and I know you miss him, so why?" he pleads, his tone softening.

The last time I saw Luke, I hit him. He had a massive purple bruise from where I struck him. I will never forgive myself, I said terrible, nasty thing to him. I brought him so much pain. He didn't deserve that.

I don't deserve Luke.

"Do you want to know why? You want to know why I don't take my medication, and why I don't get help and why I don't ask about Luke?" I snap, sitting up. "Because I am crazy."

"You're not-"

"Ashton stop bullshitting me, I know I'm crazy, everyone knows! I fucking hit him...I hit Luke. You have absolutely no idea how much I hate myself. It was at that exact moment that I finally realized how much pain I brought Luke. Emotionally, and now physically. I knew at that point that there was no going back, not even if I tried, I have become this...this monster. I can' stop it, it's who I am. I don't ask about Luke because I don't want to know, I'm trying to forget about him! And he needs to do the same, because I am never getting out of here, and even if I do, I won't go back to him. All I ever do is hurt him. I love him so much, I love him too much to see him hurt, so I can't be with him. This will happen again. I know it will, I won't get better, I can't. I don't get help because I can't be helped. This is who I've become. A monster."

"Michael, do you understand how much pain he is in right now, because you're in here? It kills him, he loves you, and he wants you back. He has done nothing but cry, and mope around the house because you aren't there. He is worried sick,he needs you Michael. I don't think you understand that, Luke fucking needs you and instead you are purposely not trying to get better! Why? Because you think you hurt him when you are with him!?! Who was the person who finally got him to speak? Who was the person who got him to stop self harming? Who took him, this completely shattered shell of a boy and pieced him back together? And you think you hurt him?!? Michael, the only thing that's hurting him right now is not having you! So get your head out of your arse and fucking get better so you can be with him!" he screams, taking the pillow from my bed and hitting me in the head with it a few times. His face red with anger, he throws the pillow across the tiny room. "Just fucking try! Try for him!"