Club Katya ✔ ~ trixya

Chapter 24: Barely Getting Through Tomorrow

Trixie

Spending Christmas alone was something Trixie was used to.
For the past 3 years every single holiday had been spent alone, and before that she'd only enjoyed the times she was allowed to stay with her grandparents. Otherwise the family holiday was hell for her.
She had hoped this year would be different, that she'd spend it with someone she loved, but no such luck.

She had left Nicky's 2 days before, something about the girl that she couldn't pinpoint, unsettled her a little. Trixie wondered if maybe Katya's words were just messing with her head, making her doubt everyone.

Katya.

How she hated that she missed the girl with the bright red lips.

Katya's story didn't match with how Bill had treated Trixie since she started working for him, nor what she had seen had the club.

Nicky's story didn't match with Katya not moving on.

So now, the brown eyed girl didn't know who to believe.

She should have listened to the warnings of the damaged love stories she'd grown up with. Maybe if she had, she wouldn't be in the situation she was in now.

Trixie wished she could travel back to a time where she cuddled up against Katya under warm orange sunlight.
Back to where there was no promised goodbye. How she wished she could live in their beautiful memories.
She'd pass through an infinite eternity to travel back to when their ending was nowhere in sight.

The story she'd been told by Nicky seemed more and more flawed to her, but why that was she couldn't say.
Maybe it was the fact that Katya had come to find her at the club, or that Bill had gloated so much that night.

Trixie didn't like the feeling of being passed around like a trophy.
She just wanted someone to care about her, truly care.

"Bill is using you to hurt me because he knows I care about you"

Was that the truth?
It did make sense, but that would also mean that Katya cared about her.

She hoped Katya cared about her.

Trixie thought about how she felt when she heard Katya was there at her first night at Kitty Express.
She'd spent the weeks before desperately trying to rid herself of loving Katya, and yet when she saw her there she'd loved her all over again.

A text buzzed in on her phone and then another one. As she looked through them she saw Christmas greetings from Kim and Jaida, making her smile softly.

She missed her friends at Club Katya. They were like a family, the Kitty Express girls were not.

Another text arrived.
There on the screen, was a notification with a name that both made her smile and cry;

1 new message from Katya

With teary eyes Trixie stared down at the screen.

"Dear Trixie.

Hi, it's been a while.
Merry Christmas.

I hope that you're holding up well, and that you are sleeping enough.
Please, make sure that you eat well too.

I sincerely hope you'll find someone someday who will love you and take care of you. You deserve happiness.
I'm so sorry it can't be me, but know that I'll always be here.

For what it's worth,
I love you.

It wasn't easy to give my heart to you, and so I hesitated. I wish I hadn't."

No.
No, she couldn't?
Katya couldn't love her.

Why did it hurt more to see words of worry and care from the blue eyed woman than it did to hear words said in anger?

I love you.

"Please don't say those words, Katya. I might just believe them." Trixie whispered under her breath.

She walked over to her pink Christmas tree and started hanging her plastic Barbie decorations as the Dolly Parton song she'd listen to so often back home during the holiday played through the speakers.

She found herself singing along to the melancholic tune. Back when she lived in Milwaukee she'd lock herself in her room once the fighting started Christmas Eve, letting the words lull her to sleep while empty beer bottles and slurs flew at her door.
The song would bring her hope of a day when she could actually do the things the lyrics mentioned, a day when she'd be free to control her own life.

When she could dye her hair.
Move somewhere.
Just leave town.
Get a car and drive so far she'd loose track.

Go somewhere her stepdad couldn't reach her. Where his tight grip and hard hand couldn't harm her anymore. Where the sun would color her skin instead of bruises.

Now other lines spoke to her the most.

Maybe I'll just lay low

She had done that, hidden away from the few friends she had in town. Hidden from Katya.

Maybe I'll hit the bars

She'd tried that, but it didn't help much, just made her wallow in her own pain.

Maybe I'll settle down

She could try that, go somewhere new?

Maybe I'll meet someone

Meet someone new?
No one would ever be Katya, but they could be someone...something.

Me, I will go on

Would she?
Could she?
Did she even want to?

Even if she was fine without Katya, did she want to move on?
After all, didn't she prefer to survive with Katya?

She felt incomplete, lost in an unwelcoming world that seemed like the right choice at the time.
Like she was in a constant nightmare, but still didn't want to wake up.

Waking up longing for Katya, but hating herself for doing so.

Looking for the Russian in her sheets, reaching for her in the haze of morning.

Dreaming of laying next to her and laughing at nothing like they used to.

Most of the time it was fine, she got by okay. But then doubt would fill her.
Did she make the wrong decision?
Did she believe the wrong lie?

I love you.

A couple months ago she would have given anything to hear Katya say those words, now they felt like they were tearing her apart from the inside.
Especially because in truth she still loved everything about Katya.
She'd reached out for Katya fearlessly, her heart falling like first snow.
She liked loving Katya, as much as she hated it. Even when jealousy filled her, she loved being in love with Katya. She somehow even loved the heartbreak.

As much as she tried, she couldn't avoid her love.

"I miss you." Trixie whispered as she let the small screen turn dark.