Delude | h.s.

twenty two

Talk to me
There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty
And how it got this dark is just beyond to me
Take Yourself Home - Troye Sivan

♤

Layne

Sometimes something happens that is so unexpected that you don't even know how to move forward from it. It sits in the back of your mind and keeps awake at night for hours on end. You search every single moment leading up to that sudden twist and try to figure out where the hell it came from. You try to determine what made that thing occur and still, after days of wondering and nights full of everything but sleep, you end up empty handed.

That's how this week has been for me.

I have been so confused and so lost. I've barely gotten any sleep because I'm worried that he'll reply when I'm asleep and I'll miss my window of opportunity to talk to him. I'm afraid that I'll have one chance to hear from him and if I sleep through it, I'll never get another chance again.

I hate this feeling, this uncertainty. I was always so secure when it came to Trevin. He was always there when he said he would and always let me know when he would be busy so I never worried. I never felt insecure in my relationship with him – everything always felt steady.

Harry, however, is the complete opposite.

He's been full of surprises since I first met him. He's so hot and cold, it gives me a headache. I've seen how kind and lovely he can be, but I've also seen how distant and brute he can be. His demeanor can change at the drop of a dime. It's unnerving – much like my relationship with him.

I use the word "relationship" loosely.

We aren't together, I know that, but after our kiss I'm hopeful that maybe we could be.

It would be much easier to know where his head is at with all of this if he picked up the fucking phone.

I have been so in my head this week that it's starting to affect my daily life. I have barely eaten, and I've barely slept. I feel ridiculous and absolutely pathetic because of it, but I cried last night. It was a silent cry of confusion and hopelessness. I couldn't stop asking myself what happened? Why? What did I do? Where is he? What the fuck happened?

It has been one of the loneliest weeks I've experienced in a while. It's hard to constantly be around people and then have an abrupt halt to it all.

When I was getting ready to come home on Monday, I was expecting a message from Harry letting me know whether he would be picking me up or not. I got nothing.

The ride home was full of sad music and way too much thinking. It was hard to act like everything was fine, especially whenever Zoë would mention him. I had to plaster on a fake smile and pretend like his name didn't send a sharp pain through my chest.

What has really been bothering me is the unknown reason why I feel so attached to him. I barely know him even though we've shared so much time together. I think that's why I feel the way I do. He's been with me and spent so much time with me that I feel a connection with him. It's safe to say I have budding feelings for him – that's obvious. I just haven't really wanted to admit that to myself, especially since I broke up with Trevin not even a week ago.

Aside from not hearing from Harry, I've heard from Iris a few times. She texted and asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend. I said yes because despite whatever is happening with Harry, Iris is still my friend and I want to see her. She invited me over to her apartment earlier this week, but I was working. I want to hang out with her one-on-one again, she always knows how to put a smile on my face and actually listens to me when I talk to her. I also need to tell her about my new relationship status.