𝕃𝕠𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕕 || 𝕁𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕤𝕖𝕡𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕖𝕪𝕖

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟚𝟝 • 𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪𝕠𝕟𝕖 ℍ𝕒𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕚𝕣 𝕆𝕨𝕟 𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕦𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕔 𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕥™

It was... I think, almost 10 years ago, when it happened...

God, it happened so long ago, yet it feels like it happened just a few days ago... How time flies...

I was a Junior in high school, only one year left until it was time for me to graduate, pursue a career, and become an adult. I was in AP and Honors classes, I had college credits under my belt and I was on such a roll, academically. I had friends, my family wasn't being super wack for once, and for the first time in my life, my mental health wasn't a total pile of hot garbage.

Life was great.

Until my friend, Juliet, introduced me to her friend, Luke.

He was cute, I'll admit that, but that was pretty much all I thought. I kept my focus on school and tried not to get into any messy drama like crushes, relationships, or anything like that. Plus, he didn't seem really interested in me anyways so, why overthink it?

Or, at least, I thought he wasn't interested.

A couple months after meeting him, he surprises me with the announcement that he likes me and asks me out on a date.

I knew I couldn't be in a long-term, committed relationship at the time because I had other things I wanted to focus on, so the only option I had was to let him down as easy as I possibly could.

We sat on a bench on top of a little hill, overlooking the nearby park and I told him the truth. Nothing but complete honesty.

"I'm not looking to date anyone right now, Luke. I'm trying to focus on school so I can go to college and you know, get the hell outta here... dating's just... not a priority right now for me. I'm sorry-"

"Well, dating's not a priority for me either! I just wanted one date and you know, like something cool and casual and not a big deal at all! We don't even have to be official boyfriend-girlfriend!"

The desperation in his voice, the tears glazing his eyes, and the way he held my hands close to him, almost begging for me to go on one date. What kind of horrible person would see that and still say no?

"No, I can't do that, you say you want something casual now, but later if this does happen and I do say yes, we're going to be getting into a fight about it and we're both gonna end up hating me-"

"No! I could never! Come on, please!"

Despite every single doubt and argument I threw at him, he still wouldn't budge. I felt bad.

So, I said yes.

And that was the buildup to how everything started to fall apart.

I tried to stay focused on my schoolwork and college applications while trying to give a little attention to this newfound "friends-with-benefits/cuddle-buddies/weird-thing" going on between Luke and I.

Sometimes I sat with him at lunch, invited him out, or he would join me in the library while I was working. He came to my soccer games and fundraising events, I went to some of his track and field races, and we texted mostly. Never called or did the whole 'facetime-until-we-fall-asleep' thing.

It actually worked for a while! Surprisingly... but I always had that lingering thought in the back of my mind that this was wrong.

Which was true.

And that he wasn't going to be happy with just this.

Which was also true.

*****

"Hey! I told you this before any of this bullshit ever even started! I said 'I just wanted something casual and you said you were fine with it! Even I after I asked you like, a million goddamn times-"