Funny Stories

More funny stories dedicated to my followers

At night, a thief came in and stole a madman's tv and dvd. On geting out of the house, the madman wakeup and started chasing the thief.

After 2 hrs chasing, the thief gave up, he start pleading but the madman replied ~Dont worry, i wanted to give you the remotes~

There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried.

Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: "I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you."

Husband: "It is ok honey, it was just a dream."

Wife responded loudly: "That is why I'm crying."

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they met a sign that said: Disneyland left. So they started crying and went back home.

There was a couple...the lady was very talkative and she kept talking with people on the phone hour after hour when she is alone at home.

End of everymonth they used to get a massive telephone bill and the husband was so worried on this.

One day they were dining at the table and the phone rang..

The lady's reaction was immediate...she ran to the phone and started chatting..

After about 30-min she hang up and came back to the table.

The husband was happy that she hang up in 30 min which was a good sign where she normally doesn't hung up at least for 2-hours. So he happily inquired...was she busy to hang up so early???

No..it was a wrong number.. replied the lady..

Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a car? My question is, how did the car get into the kitchen?

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there's a clock on the stove!

Why are women's feet smaller than a man's? So they can stand closer to the sink!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead!

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile!

Once a dumb man had to buy a hammer. He went to the shop and asked for the hammer by hitting on a table with his fist.

Now a blind man had to buy a scissor. Think how will he get it from the shopkeeper?

No guesses!

If so remember that the blind man can speak 

Man at restaurant: Excuse me waiter, could you come here?
Waiter: Is everything okay?
Man: Everything is fine, but would you please try my soup?
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, we really can't do that.
Man: No I won't say anything, please try my soup.
Waiter: Well, is there something wrong with the soup?
Man: No, but will you please try the soup?!
Waiter: Okay, okay... Where's the spoon?
Man: Ah-hah.

 Officer: We need you in the army.

Joker: I'll join but on three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are the conditions?
Joker: My first condition is that I'll not wear the uniform because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the second condition?
Joker: I'll not do the perade and other training under the sun because it is hot. I'll only do it under the shed or some kind of shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your third condition?
Joker: And my last and most important condition is that during war times, I'll remain on leave.

A man fell in a well and people came to save him... but no one could enter the well to bring him out. Later, one man came up with an idea to throw the drunk man a rope to try to pull him out.

When the rope hit the man's head, he angrily shouted: "Pick your own well man, I am sleeping."

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I lost it
Officer: lost it?

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license because you lost it

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Dedicated to all my followers!  Don't forget to comment and vote.  Follow me I also post private stories!