HamLIT [complete]

5. Spill the Tea, Sis - Edited

Original draft published November 15, 2019

Edited version published August 23, 2020

Neither Ham nor Harry are out of bed until noon. By the time they've dragged themselves to the kitchen to scrounge for food, Gretchen has already departed from the house and left a note on the kitchen counter, explaining that she will be spending the day with Claude in Boston and staying at his apartment for the night. Ham takes one look at the note and scoffs, "She just doesn't want to face me after what happened last night."

Harry picks up the note and reads it. Even though he literally just rolled out of bed, he's hardly rumpled at all; there's not a single wrinkle in his pajamas or hair on his head that's out of line. He's a "woke up like this" type of guy. Like Beyoncé. "Why? What happened last night?"

Ham's been waiting to tell this story. The words tumble out of his mouth without control. "I swear to god, it was so fucking bad! I came home from my date last night and all I wanted was some Cheetos, so I came to the kitchen, and you'll never guess what I saw!"

Harry leans forward in suspense, ignoring the fact that his friend sounds like a talking clickbait ad. "Really? What was it?"

"My mom and my uncle were in here, like literally right here, dancing. I guess they couldn't have their romantic evening somewhere else—they just had to have it here. At eleven o'clock at night." Snorting in disgust, Ham picks up a fallen rose petal. "Like, they even set up candles and roses and shit. Look, there's a rose petal right here!"

"No!" Harry looks shocked. But not genuinely shocked. Shocked in a pleasantly satisfying sort of way, because he's a good friend and he always looks shocked whenever Ham needs him to.

"I know right? It was a fucking awful. They were dancing to Starship! Or is it Jefferson Starship? I can never remember."

"I've never heard of either of them," says Harry.

"What? They did 'We Built This City' and 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now!' How do you not know them?"

Harry raises an eyebrow. "Weren't you just saying that you hate them?"

"Oh, right, yeah. Well, anyway, I could hear them playing 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' before I got to the kitchen and I probably shouldn't have gone in there but I really wanted my Cheetos so I went in anyway and walked in on them and ugh...Dude, it was so gross. I asked what they were doing having a date in the kitchen at eleven o'clock at night and my mom kept trying to change the subject. And then I tried to tell her that it was weird, and she was all like—'" He does an uncannily accurate impression of Gretchen. "'—You're just sad about your dad, honey! You should forget about him like I did!' And then of course my uncle butts in, like he always does, and he's like 'You need to move on! It's weird to be sad all the time!' Except I don't think I'm the weird one. They're the ones who couldn't wait more than a month to be all over each other after my dad died!"

Harry is fidgeting. As hard as he tries to support Ham, he's not the type to intrude upon other people's family affairs, and he always feels a little uncomfortable when Ham talks this way. And now, on top of that, all of this talk about Ham's father reminds him about that Snapchat thing from yesterday. He knows that he has to tell Ham about it sooner or later, but he's not sure if now is the right moment. So he says blandly, "Yeah. I'm sorry, man. That sounds awful."

"Yeah, it sucked." Ham smiles maniacally, his demeanor flipping like a switch. "Anyway, wanna go out for lunch?"

Harry is hungry, so he agrees. He can tell Ham about the Snapchat after lunch.

***

And he does, because he's essentially a diligent person. He doesn't procrastinate. Harry and Ham are now sitting at the downtown Elsinore Panera (because of course Elsinore has a Panera). There's a pause in conversation, and Harry realizes that it's now or never. So he leans forward and says in a low voice, "Listen, so I have something to tell you."