Cost of Taste (Published)| ✓

Kabanata 36

Kabanata 36

"Arrisea, I'm sorry." Adren said, almost breaking down. "All of the things I've said were awful. At alam ko 'yon. My words hurted you - I hurt you. And I -"

"Forgive you," tuloy ko sa kan'yang sasabihin. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin.

"Why?" his eyes fell again. This time, he looked regretful. "You shouldn't -"

"Nasaktan din kita noon." I tearfully said. "And I'm also sorry."

Loving is the easy part. Kaakibat ng bawat pag-ibig ang sakit. At nawawala lang ang sakit na ito gamit ng pagpapatawad. We forgive not because it is necessary but because of love. We do not let hatred ruined it for us.

The two of us decided to have a talk where we'll clear things out. He told me about the things that they had to do to make sure Tatiana won't bother me and my family anymore. I really can't believe she'll stoop this low. Ako naman ay binato lahat ng mga tanong na meron ako para sa kan'ya.

"So, you mean? Nothing really happened?"

Nakaupo kami ngayon sa higaan. Halos lumubog ako sa sobrang lambot ng kama niya. Gusto ko tuloy i-tanong kung magkano ang comforter nito.

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"What made you think that something happened?"

"I mean, there was this guy..." I trailed off.

Kasalanan ko ba na halos gano'n ang mga kinukwento sa akin kapag may nakaka-one night stand? Magigising ka na lang na iba na ang damit mo? Ano bang malay ko? E, tulog ako no'n? Saka kapag may nalalasing sa amin at nagsusuka, mga dakila lang ang nag-aalaga sa mga lasing!

I just wanted to make sure Adren didn't just say those things to make me feel better. I'll seriously sue that person in case ha had touched me! Pero ayon kay Adren, wala raw talagang interest 'yon sa akin dahil sa lalaki ito nagkakagusto.

"He came for his umbrella."

"He was there and I thought..."

I think realization hits him because his lips parted.

"So, that's why..." Tumango-tango pa siya, "inaasar ako nung kaklase ko na 'yon dahil akala niya may inuwi akong babae. Well, I kind of did? Pero wala namang nangyari."

Parang natanggal ang matagal na tinik na nakabara sa aking puso. Nothing happened. Pero sa huli ay wala na rin naman 'yon. That experience made me realize nothing really changes, tuloy pa rin ang buhay. Siguro mas mainam na sa tamang tao mo ito ibigay pero sa huli naman ay hindi naman nabawasan ang pagkatao mo sakaling nawala ito, as long as it's consensual.

And I also realized that during those years, wala namang mali kung pipiliin mo rin na huwag muna ito ibigay. I was young back then, akala ko noon na isa itong simbolo ng pag-ibig. When in fact, it isn't. A girl shouldn't be force to give herself to prove that she loves a boy. Wala roon ang tunay na kahulugan ng pag-ibig. It is only lust; not love. Because love will always wait. No matter how long it takes.

"Is that it? Ito lang ba ang gusto mo pagusapan?"

I sounded hopeful. Sana hindi dahil ayokong hanggang dito lang. Oo, lumayo ako sa kanya dahil akala ko'y wala na talaga. Pero ngayon na parang binibigyan niya ako ng pagasa, I'll gladly take it.

"I'm sorry," ulit niya na tila ba hindi niya narinig na pinapatawad ko na siya.

Nagulat ako dahil tumayo siya at unti-unting lumuhod.

Is this?

"Hala wait," Pinigilan ko siya sa gagawin niya, "hindi pa ako ready sa kasalan."

His brow shot up.