When Hands Touch

17. realise

warning: panic attack.

i'm marking it with (///) before and after, so you can skip right over it if it could trigger you. stay safe please.

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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

REALISE

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"Jude, I'm gay."

Eyes snapping up from his food, Jude glanced at Milo, confusion evident on his face as he popped a biscuit into his mouth. "Yeah, I know."

Milo shook his head, biting his nails as he looked around the cafeteria. Everything felt ten times louder, ten times more out of focus, ten times more overwhelming. And Milo's stomach ached. It was definitely just his nervousness talking, but it was making him want to shove his head into a pillow, just so that he could block out all the noise. "I'm gay."

"Dude, I- oh," Jude stated, eyes widening in realisation. He was quiet for a moment, before he said, "A little more conviction to your voice would be great. Right now, you sound unsure as fuck. But still, not bad."

When Milo didn't reply, Jude kicked his leg under their table, not a hard kick, just a soft one, enough to get his attention. "Who are we comin' out to?"

Letting out a slow exhale, Milo bent over, arms crossed around his stomach. "Just Ray and Faiza," he mumbled, feeling too ill to even touch his food.

"And Xen," Jude added, but when Milo shook his head, he frowned. "Not Xen?"

He huffed, drawing circles on the lid of his lunch box. "Xen knows, I told him."

"Oh, word?"

That caused him to crack a smile, but it fell from his face almost as soon as it came. The nerves were too much to handle. "Where's Eva?" he questioned, just to distract himself from the racing of his heart.

Jude shrugged. "She was talkin' to a teacher or somethin'," he replied, eyeing Milo warily. Honestly, Milo couldn't even blame him, he probably looked- and sounded- so fucking ridiculous, especially when he considered the fact that the group knew that Jude was bisexual and aromantic, and Ray was literally trans, and Faiza was so fucking accepting of everyone. But that didn't stop the nervousness from travelling all over his body, like fucking ants crawling all over him and eating into his skin.

"Oh my god, Jude," Milo whispered, hunching over. "Jude, I'm not going to do it, I can't even think about it, how the fuck am I gonna say it? I'll do it some other time. I won't-"

Right then, the whole group decided to come over, sitting down at the table, Xen on Milo's left, and the rest of them in front of him. They seemed to be having an argument about which fruit was the best one, and typically, Milo would be all for discussing why he thought pineapples were the best fruit to exist, but he couldn't concentrate on anything without his stomach sending waves of pain throughout his body, a painful reminder of what he was about to do.

He didn't know why he was doing it, to be honest. But he just wanted to tell someone voluntarily, wanted to get it off his chest, wanted to make fucking jokes about it whenever he felt like it.

"I'm gay," Milo blurted out, causing the conversation at the table to cease, all eyes on him now. "I- oh my god, it's really fucking hot today, isn't it? The weather. So hot. Let me check the temperature, maybe I should check my temperature, I think I'm burning up. I'm-"