heard your name in every love song {Ben Hardy}

9. when everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive

The following day, you let yourself sleep in late, take a bath in the spacious tub, and prep yourself for hair and makeup, milling about and eating room service until the stylists arrived. They put on music, and you sat patiently in the chair beside Alexandra, the two of you having a quiet groove while the team made you up.

For the panel, you're given a tailored pair of black pants and a tight, red shirt, and the most flattering leather jacket you've ever had the pleasure of wearing. You realise it's the closest you could have possibly gotten to evoking the idea of your character without actually cosplaying her.

And you love it.

But the drive to the convention center is nerve wracking. The wait in the green room is nerve wracking. Is that Ryan fucking Reynolds? Oh god it's Wolverine! They're announcing a Deadpool movie, aren't they? And Logan? And your fucking movie. How has your heart not broken from your ribcage like a cartoon? It's beating so hard you can hear the blood rushing in your ears.

You don't see it, but Alexandra, who had been talking quietly with Jennifer, Michael, and Ben, nods over to where you're standing in a corner, breathing sharp and eyes unfocused, gaze moving from one indistinct point to the next. Ben doesn't even hesitate, he takes Alexandra's wrist and tells the others that they're just going to check on you.

"Hey honey, has someone gotten you water yet?" Alexandra asks when they get to you, and you seem startled to see her. Slowly, however, you register that it's just her, and you shake your head. Ben's already going to find one a member of the convention staff, and your hand flutters by your side as you stop yourself from reaching out after him. Alexandra asks carefully if she can touch your shoulder and you give a shaky nod, and let her lead you over to a sofa where Tye and Sophie were sitting. They're quick to move the moment they see how out of it you are, hopping up and out of the way, asking if you were okay.

"I think she's overwhelmed," Alexandra said quietly, to which you nodded, unable to form words, but sitting on the sofa at her gentle insistence. You're fidgeting with shaking hands, but Alexandra's sitting beside you, telling you to focus on her voice, counting out breaths for you. Ben's back in moments, holding out the water bottle, kneeling beside you.

"Take the water, breathe in, one- two- three-" Alexandra instructed, and you followed her lead as you unscrew the water bottle, "and out, one- two- three- four- five- take a drink, okay?" You do, the water almost like ice, a reset to your system.

Breathe in. Focus on your friends words. Breathe out. Drink if you need to.

They're talking you through your anxieties, even as you nervously breathe that you're terrified of doing a terrible job in the movie with all of these fans counting on you. The Deadpool panel has already gone on stage, and you can hear the crowd from here which isn't helping. They reassure you, Alexandra sitting beside you with her arm around you, reminding you to take deep breathes, to focus on what you can see and hear in the room.

Ben is holding your free hand, his thumb warm and reassuring as it presses into your palm, but you can't bring yourself to look at him, or anything that's not the floor.

They're still talking. The world shrinks down to just the convention center, and for a moment, all you're worried about is everyone here, not everyone in the world who'll see the movie. Then, the world shrinks down to just this room, to your costars, to the director who has regarded you highly since the moment he met you.

And then it's just the two of them. It's Alexandra's arm around you and Ben's hand holding yours. To your breathing and their gentle voices.

Oscar finds you three, Oscar, who's about to be in Star Wars and X-Men, and still speaks so gently to you, a nobody from the England who lucked into this. Except he's telling you that's not true; it's like he can hear your fears and thoughts, and is actively combatting them, telling you that you'd earned your place here, just like the rest of them, that they'd all seen the proof.