Never Getting Back Together

TWENTY-SIX

I'm out the cafeteria door and across the parking lot before I realize what I'm doing. A chill has settled deep in my bones, and I shiver despite the warm night air. I'm so numb; it's like I'm sleepwalking. I can't think over the buzzing in my ears. I'm dimly aware that there are things I need to do. I have to get myself home. I have to call Ty. But I can't focus on the present moment long enough to guide my feet in any logical direction. The present hurts too much.

The last time I felt like this was when I found out about my mom's car accident. It's like it's happening all over again. Like I'm about to have another hole ripped through my life, leaving me empty and devastated.

Lucia's barely middle-aged. She's always been so healthy and full of life. I want to believe she'll beat this, that she'll be fine. But once you've experienced unexpected and soul-wrenching loss, it's hard to trust that it won't happen again.

I didn't even ask Ty how Lucia was doing or if her treatments worked. He probably thinks I'm the world's biggest jerk. I am the world's biggest jerk. He was with his mother, who's been fighting cancer, and I was pissed at him for not returning my phone calls about karaoke night? What is wrong with me?

"Quinn!" I'm halfway down Liger Lane when I realize someone's been shouting my name.

"Quinn, wait!" I turn to see Liv sprinting toward me. I stop walking, watching as she hurries down the road.

My feet are aching, and my arms are already stiff from carrying all those chairs. But I observe the pain distantly, like it's happening to someone else. If I let myself really feel those small hurts, it'll open the door for all the much bigger ones to come barreling through. I'm not sure I can survive it.

Liv catches up to me. She bends forward, clutching her knees. "Where are you going?" she asks between pants.

"Home." My voice is so lifeless and devoid of emotion I hardly recognize it.

"Home is that way." Liv jerks her thumb in the opposite direction. The worried lines etched across her forehead deepen. "Quinn, you're freaking me out. What happened?"

"Lucia has cancer." The words taste wrong on my tongue, bitter and false. I can't believe they're real.

"No," Liv gasps. Her hands fly to her mouth. "Is she alright? What did Ty tell you?"

The only thing I can think to say is, "I don't know."

I turn and start walking again because moving is better than standing still. It gives me something to focus on other than the wrecked expression on Ty's face when he told me about his mother's illness. I concentrate on each step, the way the cobblestones press unevenly against the soles of my shoes.

"Quinn, stop!" Liv grabs my wrist. "Tell me what happened."

"I can't!" My words explode from deep inside me, echoing off the nearby houses. I yank my arm out of Liv's grasp. Her eyes go wide in surprise and alarm.

A small voice in my mind is screaming at me not to take this out on Liv. She doesn't deserve it, and I know that. But she's also trying to force me to talk about things I'm not ready to deal with yet. And now that I've started yelling, I can't stop. The dam holding back my flood of emotions has broken.

"I can't tell you what's going on because I didn't even ask! I'm horrible. I deserve all the awful things that keep happening to me. I deserve to be sick. To not be able to afford anything. To have Ty leave me again. Because I'm terrible. I didn't ask. I mean, seriously, what kind of person wouldn't ask?"

It isn't until I feel something wet against my cheek that I realize I'm crying again. My breath's coming in gasps, making my vision go sparkly. I wobble on my feet, grasping at the empty air for balance.