madeline // a Taylor Swift adoption

31 // that should be me

taylor's pov

"i don't know mom... i just feel so stupid for not pushing her to tell me what was going on." i mumbled into the phone.
all day, the only thing i could think about was maddie.
and my stupidity.
"taylor, this isn't your fault. she's sick, just like you were... everything will be okay."
i sat there quiet for a minute before i was interrupted by mom again.
"what are you thinking?" she asked.

"if it weren't for me and the way i live, she wouldn't have gotten bullied on the internet about the way she looks, mom."
"yeah, but the same thing happened to you. do you blame yourself for others bullying you about 'gaining some weight' or being 'too skinny' when you were literally starving yourself?"
she was right.
after i got help for my eating disorder, i turned off comments on all of my social media's.
i gained weight super fast, and i didn't want to hear anything about what people had to say about it.

nobody even knows that i used to be that way.... i always told people i was fine.... just like maddie.
i didn't want people to worry about me.

"thanks mom, love you." i said after talking to her for 20 more minutes.
"love you, taylor." she said, then hung up the phone.
when the line went dead, i groaned, running my fingers through my hair.
this isn't my fault, and it's not maddie's either.
people are mean.

-
maddies pov

i sat down on the turf along the track, watching peyton warm up for practice with the states team. peyton was coming over tonight for dinner and to start working on a project due friday, so i decided to go to practice with her and have taylor come get us after.
once peyton left the stadium with the other girls for her run, i got up and crutched my way up into the field house.
i stood in front of the mirror of the empty locker room and out of nowhere... completely lost my shit.
i felt my face get red hot, and soon enough, hot tears started streaming down my face.
i grabbed things from my backpack and threw them across the room and knocked over the gatorade cooler filled with ice.
that should be me.
i should be on that stupid states team.
i kicked my bulky cast against a few lockers, ignoring the bit of pain along side my incision, and put my head on the locker door, crying harder.
i heard the locker room door open and then close, but i didn't care anymore. this was all so shitty, and i didn't understand why my life has always been such a shitshow.

i felt someone's hands gently touch my shoulders and pull my head off of the locker door, causing me to flinch. then they gently sat me down on the bench.
i didn't even have to turn around to know that it was sarah.
"made a little mess in here, didn't ya.." sarah said with a small laugh trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work. when i looked at the messy locker room, it just made me bury my face into my hands and cry harder.
she sat down next to me and pulled me into her side, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.
"i'm sorry." she said quietly. "im really really sorry."

after i finished my meltdown, sarah started to clean up the mess i made while i sat and watched.
then, she gestured for me to come with her to her room.

"so, i'm gonna talk to taylor about this too, but since i am apart of your treatment team, i have started to think about what to do about your ..eating habits." she said and i rolled my eyes, causing sarah to shoot me a look.
"quit rolling your eyes," she said, and i couldn't help but laugh a little.
"anyways... i got you in to see a sports dietician through children's hospital. eating disorders in athletes are a bit different, and she'll be able to tell you if your condition requires more aggressive treatment, which i don't think it does.. at least not yet." she said, looking up to see me staring at her with wide eyes.
"uhhh... is she mean? that sounds scary." i whispered, and sarah shook her head.
"her name is jess, and she is seriously one of the nicest people i know, honest." she replied, and i let out a sigh of relief.
"i guess i'll give it a try."

sarah and i continued to talk, and she kept me busy throughout the whole practice by having me organize the first aid kits.
she talked to taylor when she came to get peyton and i, and they both agreed that a sports dietician was best.
i was seeing her next week. i was also seeing my surgeon next week to get a new cast.
terrific.

after peyton was all dressed and ready to go, we headed out and decided to pick up a pizza for dinner because taylor said she was too tired to cook and i internally groaned.
pizza wasn't my fav, but i ate two slices anyway so i could make taylor happy.
i don't think she could handle anymore of my crying.