My Heartbeat

Chapter 8

I.. I.. I have tried everything i knew to stop loving him.. To stop remembering him.. To stop fate.. But... i... guess... this is... is... my fate... to.. To... stay away from him... I don't want him to know that i. I.. I... love him... all these days.... Now that.. N.. Now I know...he..he..he..is..never..going t... to be mine.... I will try to move on... but.. It.. It.. Hurts a lot... why is it me??.. Why is it me who...has to suffer?? Why in the world did i fall for him?? Why can't I forget him? Why is it him?? Why wasn't it someone else?? If it wasn't for you, eysh.. I might... be dead now.. No matter how much I love him.. He... he will... never be... mine.. I hope... he gets... the girl... he.. Likes.. May god... keep him... happy... even... even if... if... its... w... w... without me...I... i... feel like.... I... am being... stabbed in my heart... without... any mercy.. I feel... like... i... have... lost... everything.. My heartbeat... It... won't work... without... him.. But... he... has someone... It... can't... beat... for... someone... else... except... him... I.. I.. I.. I have... tried.. B... but... it... won't... work.. It's like... its... addicted... to him.. He... is... my everything... my... life.. My... soul... belongs... to... him.. I... will... do... anything... for... him.. My... whole... world... lit up... because... of... him..But now... my... world... it's... it's... so... dark... and... scary... without... him.. Why... can't... he... see... the... love... in... my... eyes... my... face...??? Is... is... it... that... I... I... am ugly...??? I.. I.. I.. I never... tried... to... get... his... attention.. Maybe... if... I... I... tried before... I... might... get him.. But.. I.. I.. I was... afraid... he... might... hate... me... And... I... I... can't... bear... to... hear... anything... rude...or...hurtful ...from...him.. I.. I.. I... was.... Afraid.. I.. I... know... I... will... not... be... able... to... handle... his... hatred... his... anger... towards... me.. I can't... make his... life more complicating.. What... if... he says... I am special... and then... lie to me...??? I don't... know... how... he... will... be... What if... he thinks too much... about... my... feelings... and... hurt... himself?? He... might not... want... me... to.. Know... about his... past... He... might decide... not... to... tell... me... about... it... But... i don't know.. I.. I.. I.. Wish... him to be... happy.. Eysh... Eysh.. What... did.. I.. I.. I... do... to... deserve... this... much... pain...?? Eysh... get... me... out... of... this... mess... plxx.. Eysh.. Plxx.. I... might... die.. Me.. Me.. " I couldn't continue any more. My voice was trembling so hard. Tears were pouring out of my eyes.

I was surprised when Ashley hugged me tightly. She also had tears in her eyes. I knew she can't bear seeing me like this. I am hurting her. But even I am hurt. I sobbed so hard. Ashley kept rubbing my back in a soothing manner. I can feel the love from her. It touched my heart so much, tears started flowing out of my eyes non stop. I hugged Ashley tightly as she rested her chin on my head. Even she was sobbing. She kept wiping away my tears but it won't stop.

After like thirty minutes I let go of Ashley and looked at her. She stood up and came back with tissue. She handed it to me and I wiped away my nose.

"Xel. I know you have been so hurt. I am so sorry I didn't realize the the fake smiles all these days. But Xel, always remember you deserve to be happy. Don't think that you are ugly. Everyone is beautiful. Allah created everyone in the most beautiful way. Its xion's fault that he can't notice a pearl like you. But never ever think of your self as so low. I know that if you could stop loving him you won't be crying now. Never think that crying is something that makes you weak. Tears come when you can't bear anything anymore. Don't ever try to hide your feelings from me ok. Don't think that I will be angry or anything. Even i am lucky to have a best friend like you. Always remember there are people who suffer more. There are people who have lost everyone they love. In Islam, it is best for us girls to be away from the boys. We shouldn't show them our beauty. We should keep our beauty hidden for our husbands. We are pearls protected by a shell. Xel. Your world might be dark without him now. But if you try harder you might be able to get your world brighter. He might have dated a lot of girls in his past. And it might have been complicating. He might like you too. And he might also be holding back not wanting to hurt you. If you guys ever become more than friends and even while being friends he might keep secrets from you. If he ever knew about this, he might be afraid to hurt you when he had done it unknowingly. He might not be the right one for you. He might also be the right one. And don't ever please think about dying. Suicide is haram in islam. Also why should you die for him when you have your family. Your friends. Me. We won't leave you alone. And just like you said you might be special to him. You never know as Allah won't let anything bad happen to someone who has faith in him. So have faith in Allah. He will make everything better. He is the one who put all these obstacles in your way just to test you. You shouldn't let yourself fail. Don't let your self confidence down. Xel. I know all these would be difficult for you. No one who knows you must have thought you will fall for someone so bad. Don't let your mom see you crying. Even liam. He cares about you a lot. They will be so hurt if they knew you were suffering without them knowing. Xel.Even if he hates you or if he tries to keep you happy by sacrificing himself don't let him. If he ever decides in his life to come to you, go to him. But before that ask your parents about it. Don't do anything without then knowing. Tell them how you feel for him. And if they agree hold him tightly, all through the ups and downs that comes in his life. All through the complications that might come in his life. So for now, don't think about him. I know it will be difficult but i will help you forget him. I will always be there for you. Now cheer up. Smile. I want to see your beautiful smile. "