Hold Me Now (Levi X Male!Reader)

A Dim Light

Music 》[Not Alone - Red]

Reader POV

The next few days following the expedition were quieter than normal around HQ. Many of us lost close friends and squad members and it seemed the entire Regiment was in mourning for the loss of nearly 40% of the soldiers who had gone on the expedition. It wasn't a number that we had wanted to hear or even think about but it was the agonizing truth.

I sat at my desk in my empty office, leaning back in my chair with Felicity's Wings of Freedom patch in hand. I brushed my thumbs over the bloodstained fabric, a deep frown set on my features as I stared down at it in my hands. I had lost members of a squad before, after all, I had been a squad leader for about two whole years now, but this time it was different. This time my squad had felt like a family. I had cared very deeply for each of them and now all three of them were gone forever and I only had Felicity's patch to remember them by. I felt so horrible, so guilty, that I hadn’t been able to retrieve at least the patches from my other squad members before returning home.

With a heavy sigh, I sat up and scooted my chair closer to my desk, opening the side drawer to neatly place the piece of fabric inside and close it back up. I could grieve more later; I had a meeting with Erwin to go to now, not that I wanted to, but the world didn't wait for grief no matter how badly we wanted it to.

The walk to Erwin's office felt like it took forever even though he was only on the floor above me. It was just so hard to be present in the world right now. I never did handle things like losing someone important to me very well. But even so, this loss of my squad that had felt like a family hit harder than any previous loss I'd experienced. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize I was already standing outside Erwin's office door just staring blankly at it until a familiar annoyed click of the tongue cut through my fogged mind. "Are you going to knock or are you just going to stand there like an idiot?" Corporal Levi chastised me in the typical brutish tone that no longer bothered me.

I didnt respond verbally though, just raised a fist to knock politely on the wooden door that opened a moment later to reveal an excited looking Hange who quickly stepped aside to let me and the Corproal into the room. "They're here, Erwin! Tell them the news!" Hange squawked, prancing back over to the man's desk to lean over it as a way to urge Erwin to get on with it. The man sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly fed up with Hange's antics already but he soon spoke to get this meeting going. "Hange has made a rather convincing argument this time. During our next expedition in one month's time, we will attempt to capture a titan for studying."

I was reeling at what I just heard, mouth hanging slightly ajar as I stared at Erwin as if he had four heads. Was he insane? How on earth were we supposed to capture a titan without risking the entire regiment? There was no way it was possible to capture one of those disgusting creatures before it and more of them slaughtered every last one of us. But I wasn't the only one with concerns about this and Erwin seemed to sense that big question hanging in the air so he continued speaking. "Hange has designed a special support weapon that will immobilize a titan for easy capture, making the impossible possible with low consequences so long as we bring a means of transportation to get it back here to headquarters. She will be writing up exact plans for how the capture should work with this new weapon."

When no one opposed the commander, he continued and shooed Hange away from his desk, picking up some papers from it. "We do have a slightly different matter to discuss as well and it involves you (Name). That's why I wanted you here as well." I stepped forward when he called my name and gave a salute that he quickly waved off with a dry chuckle. "No need for the formalities right now. Let's just get this meeting over with so we can begin preparations for the coming expedition." I nodded at his words and he held the papers out toward me which I took and looked down at curiously, shuffling through them in silence for a moment. They were profile records of the other squad leaders currently in the room. Hange, Mike, Levi, and Erwin himself. "I don't understand, Commander. Why are you having me look at all your profiles?"

Erwin gave me a sympathetic smile and I frowned in response, focusing my attention back down at the information on the papers. Names, birthdays, blood type, pictures and descriptions along with other statistics. Number of titan kills, titan kill assists, their general ranking as a soldier in the regiment. As I looked over all the files, Erwin explained things. "You are an extremely talented soldier. One of the best standard squad leaders. The loss of your entire squad during the last expedition along with our current shortage of cadets means we need to consolidate until the next group of trainees is ready to choose their regiment. That is another 4 months away and we can't wait that long."

"But, sir... does that mean I'm being demoted back to a senior cadet?" I inquired, my gaze still downcast at the papers I was no longer reading. "No, it doesn't mean you will be demoted. We are simply going to place you in a different squad temporarily. You have worked with Levi and Mike in the past. Hange wished to put her name in the pot and so did I. You can choose which squad you would like to temporarily join until we get those fresh recruits in a few months time." I hummed in thought on this, surprised and a bit confused still. I mean I understood the reason for giving me a temporary new squad to be in, but what I didnt understand was why I was being allowed to choose and not just being assigned to one. Erwin had given me pretty high praise when I hadnt ever thought I stood out so much to him. Not that it was a bad thing, dont get me wrong. I was happy he acknowledged me and put me in such high regards. But even so...

It was a difficult decision to make, but everyone waited patiently for me to say something, even Hange. "I... Can I have some time to decide or do I need to make a decision right now?" I eventually asked Erwin who leaned forward on his elbows, chin resting on his interlaced fingers. "You can have time. It's not like you are a fresh recruit with no knowledge of how we work here. But sooner rather than later would be optimal. After all, your job during the next expedition will change based on which squad you choose. You're dismissed for now. I still have to speak with the others about some things." With my dismissal, I gave Erwin a grateful salute and left his office to return to my own and have a longer thought about this whole thing. It all just felt a little surreal and perhaps that was because my heart and mind weren't in the same place at the moment.