The Devil's Game

Silent Sea

TW to everyone please read with caution this chapter might be tough to get through, it was tough to write.

Ocean breeze drifted softly across the deck as Killian leaned against the mast, but the smell wasn't comforting, in fact he couldn't smell at all. Even the freshly baked bread that Johnathan, the cabin boy, had brought him wasn't enticing. It lay on a ledge long forgotten. He had been gazing into the depths of the grey ocean search for what, he didn't know. And answer? No, he hoping, not searching. Hoping that in the abyss of unknowns he could find some comfort. The same comfort Killian had found after the death of Mila. He had tried to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle, and in the guts of a woman, but he never succeeded. They gave him nothing. But the sea, she drew him into the safety of her arms and held him as he cried, whispered to him softly on the breaths of the wind, drawing out all his pain even if only for a split second. It was in her embrace he found the warmth he lost.

No when he reached out to her, her skin was that of ice. She no longer welcomed him, it was as if he was reaching for a stranger. And as he looked deeper and deeper he felt himself falling further and further into the chasm of nothingness. Letting himself fall unceremoniously to the planks of his ship he ran his fingers across the worn wood, memories popping into his empty skull.

Her hair drifted in the wind, curls bouncing in every direction. A smile floated across her delicate features as she danced across the deck of his ship. Killian's heart swelled with joy and a giddy smile broke onto his own features. Not "respectable" behavior for a captain of a pirate ship, but his crew followed suit. Every one of them held a similar smile. Though they all lacked one component, the love that infatuated his entire soul. Lily was his everything and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to be with her for the rest of his life.

Her smile faded into the cloud filled angry sky as reality returned. His best friend and the woman he had grown to love was gone.

Before was easier, before he had intent, he had purpose, he had reason. But now he had nothing. Killian had been searching, and searching, and searching, for the better part of 2 years. His crew was tired and his supplies nearly expended. Killian had gone blade to blade with the king's armies, sweet talked giants into trickery, and even fought ogres, all in search of a method to get back to Neverland. But nothing.

All Killian had left was his crew and his ship. Color even seemed to fade from the world as the last bits of his heart were forcibly ripped from his chest. There was nothing more than a never ending out that lived in his chest now. A ravenous beast that sucked every emotion conceivable from his body. Joy and sorrow alike. He was nothing more than a walking shell that looked like it had once resembled a man.

The nothingness above him seemed tantalizing, inviting, promising escape and an end to the endless emptiness. If he could smile he would have. But long ago those muscles had ceased to work. Killian might as well have his mouth removed for as much as he uses it. Killian contemplated sitting up, and after a long moment of considering laying on the deck for all eternity and simply letting nature take its course, he managed the feat. Decaying into death seemed too much drama. After propping himself against the mast, not having the energy to hold his own body weight, he removed something from his side. The wire wrapped metal grip fit comfortably into his hand. The leather for perfectly in his hand, the balance was beautiful. The blade had been specially made for him as a thank you gift a couple of years ago. The silver of the blade seemed to glitter despite the relative lack of light. Killian had always loved and cherished the blade, but in this moment it was the most beautiful object in the world because it promised him something. Something that Killian wanted so very desperately, the only thing he wanted anymore. An end.

The mirror like texture of the blade reflected the sky above.  And once again he lost himself in a memory.

The sails were full of wind as they sailed though the waters of a new ocean. The clanking and clashing of metal filled the ship's air as he and Lily danced across the deck of feather light footing. Concentration furrowed her brow as they engaged and disengaged. Crossing blades with enough closeness to share each other's breath before being ripped apart again by the rhythm of the battle. Raw emotion flowed from the two into their hands and through their blades. It was in these moments he felt the closest to her, wanting nothing more than to take her into his arms and kiss her until they both suffocated.

A single tear rolled down his cheek as the memory faded. Something about the reaction was comforting. Knowing that somewhere deep down he could still feel, still love and still lose.

Raising the razor sharp blade he placed it against his wrist, not cutting, simply sitting there. Like a viper waiting for permission from its master.

Killian simply didn't have the energy or the will. It didn't matter. Nothing did. Killian noticed that his face was becoming wet. Thinking they were tears he raised his hand only to stop halfway having gained the information that it was raining. Each drop seemed to weigh as much as an elephant weighing down his body until all his muscles collapsed and he was suddenly laying upon the deck again. Having defeated his body the weight transferred to his soul. Each drop adding a touch of sadness to the exterior, until it penetrated deep. So deep that he lay there on the ship sobbing.

All the loss, pain, sorrow, and fury raged within the confines of his being. Killian found himself screaming, into nothingness, into the face of the black abyss of emotion. He screamed until his voice gave out. Cried until all the water in his body had been drained and ice again he was left to lay silently on the deck.

This time it was the silence that took him into its arms. Comforting the ragged man.

-_-
I'm sorry this chapter is a rough one.