Chandler bings twin sister

Episdoe 3 season 1

"Hi guys!" Phoebe said walking in.
"Hey, Pheebs! Hi!" We said like robots.
"Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?" Ross asked.
"Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'" She said.
"Ohh. Ouch." We all replied.
"What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?" Rach asked.
"No honey it dosn't mean it's good it's terrible it's like 'i don't you you won't see me naked you won't be seen dead with me'" I replied.
"Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'." Monica replied agreeing with me.
"Since when?" She asked.
"Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'." I replied.
"Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'." Chandler reply's joining in.
"Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'." Phoebe said.
"And everybody knows this?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah. Cushions the blow." I said nervously.
"What's up with you?" Chandler asks.
"Oh I just remembered something from a long time ago." I said cuddling to Joey since I couldn't do it with Chandler.
"Am I not allowed nothing?" He asked.
"No you said I wasn't allowed to cuddle you for a month so I'm ticking to it." I said.
"Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm." Chandler continued.
"That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm." Ross decided to say.
"Uh, Ross." Monica said.
"What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!" Ross said I laughed at how stupid he was.
"How did you not know that Ross." I said.
The boys apartment.
"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?" Chandler acted which made me laugh.
"Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." Joey spoke going of the script.
"Hey, that was really good!" Chandler said. I just laughed even more.
"What's so funny." Joey asked.
"Chandler he is too funny." I said
"Thanks! Let's keep going." Joey said ignoring me.
"Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"" Chandler carried on.
"'I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." Joey said goring off the script.
"'Smoke away." I said reading of the script that I memorise.
"I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone." I said.
"What?" He asked.
"Relax your hand!" I said. "Not so much!"
"Whoah!" Joey complained.
"Hey!" I said.
"Hey!" Joey replied.
"Alright, now try taking a puff." I said. Joey got a puff.
"Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me." I said.
"No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette." He replied.
"It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here." I said. He finally gave me the cigarette.
"Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete." I started.
"Y'miss it?" Joey asked randomly.
"Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. Oh.. my.. God." I said taking anougher puff.
At central perk
"No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger." Monica said. The boys copy,
"That's ridiculous!" Joey replied.
"Can I use.. either thumb?" Ross randomly asked.
"Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me!" Rachel started handing them out. "Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Hot Chocolate ...Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!" She handed all the wrong drinks out.
"Yeah. Yeah, excellent." We all sarcastically said.
"Good for me!" She said walking off. We all swap drinks. Phoebe entered looking grumpy because she didn't say hi like she used to do.
"Y'okay, Phoebe?" Joey asked.
"Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank." She answers.
"What did they do to you?" Monica asked.
"It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT" she decided to rant.
"Easy." Ross spoke up.
"- and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account." She continued.
"Oh, Satan's minions at work again..." Chandler sarcastically said.
"Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them." Phoebe said.
"What are you talking about? Keep it!" Joey randomly said.
"It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing." Phoebe was a good women.
"Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!" Rachel said popping up out of nowhere.
"Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'..." Phoebe decided to rant.
"We're with you. We got it." Monica speaks. I lean over the chair out of sight to smoke.
"Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt." Phoebe says.
"Alex, what are you doing?" Rachel asks.
"Hey. Whaddya doing?"  Monica asks pulling me up. I finally let go the puff of smoke I had in my mouth.
"Oh! Oh, God!" Everyone said at once.
"What is this?!" Chandler asks annoyed.
"I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking." I yell.
"Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!" Phoebe told me.
"And this- is my reward!" I said.
"Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit." Ross decided to say.
"Okay, so this time I won't quit!" I said.
"Ohhh! Put it out!" They all yelled.
"All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out." I said dropping it in chandlers drink.
"Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!" Chandler says.
"Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date." Monica said.
"This Alan again? How's it goin'?" Rachel asked.
"'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun." She said.
"So when do we get to meet the guy?" Joey asked.
"Let's see, today's Monday... Never." Monica replied.
"Oh, come on! Come on!" I grounded.
"No. Not after what happened with Steve." Monica replied.
"What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry." I said every laughed.
"Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out." She replied.
"Well, then can we meet him?" Rachel asked.
"Nope. Schhorry." She replied,
At Monica's apartment.
Everyone but phoebe was here I was smoking.
"Let it go, Ross." Joey spoke.
"Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi." Ross said.
"Do you all promise?" Monica asks
"Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!" Everyone chanted except me.
"Alex? Do you promise to be good?" Monica asks me. I nodded and tapped on the window to be let in.
"You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!" Chandler yells.
"Hey, Pheebs." Ross says after phoebe walks in
"Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay'. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!" Phoebe money.
"What bank is this?" I asked/yelled from the outside.
"Hey. It's him. Who is it?" Monica
"It's Alan." A guy on the intercom says.
"Alex! He's here!" Chandler yells. I walked in dripping wet.
"Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me." Monica panicked. She opens the door to show Alan.
"Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan." Monica started.
"Hi." He said.
"Hi, Alan." We all said.
"I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!" He jokes chandler laughs hard.
Time lapse, Alan is leaving.
"Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow." Monica said to Alan and turned to us. "Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?" We all sat there quite.
"C'mon!" Monica started.
"...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him." Ross said shutting up Monica.
"Loved him! Yeah! He's great!" We all yelled.
"Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?" Monica asked confused.
"Yeah!" We all replied.
"And did you notice...?" Rachel,said spreading out her thumb and index thinner.
"Yeah." The guys said slowly.
"Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked." Joey joked.
"Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!" Phoebe said out of nowhere.
"..What shoe?" I asked.
"From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'" Phoebe started. We all stopped.
"...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured." Ross said.
"What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it." Rachel said.
"Really!" Monica exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?" Chandler says out of nowhere and does the impression.
"You know what I like most about him, though?" I asked.
"What?" Everyone yelled.
"The way he makes me feel about myself." I replied.
"Yeah..." everyone said quietly.
"Hi.. how was the game?" Monica asked when we walked in.
"Well.." I started.
"WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!" We yelled.
"Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?" She asked.
"Alan." Joey answers. I sit on the sofa.
"He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-..." Ross tried to explain.
"I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team." I yelled.
"Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.." Chandler carry's on.
"Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.." Monica starts.
"What?" I ask.
"..I dunno, a little too Alan?" She asked.
"How is that possible how can you be to Alan? It's like saying your a little to Alex to me" I reply
"Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan." Rachel said agreeing with me.
"Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore." Ross said.
"I personally could have a gallon of Alan." I said.
Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery.
"A thumb?!" I ask walking in after my interview for Calvin Klein after i quit the last job.
"How did the interview go." Chandler asks.
"You know I got the job but I'm just stressed." I said sitting down chandler pulls me close. Phoebe nods.
"Eww!" Chandler says.
"I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!" Phoebe said.
"Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?" I replied.
"Does, um, anyone wanna see?" Phoebe asks.
"Nooo!" We all yelled. I light a cigarette
"Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!" Everyone yelled.
"It's worse than the thumb!" Rachel spoke up.
"Hey, this is so unfair!" I respond.
"Oh, why is it unfair?" Monica asks.
"So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?" I answer. There's an awkward silence.
"...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?" Joey asked.
" Well, I-I could live without it." Rachel spoke up.
"Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?" Joey answers. Phoebe spits out her hair.
"Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing." Ross speaks up.
"Oh, "you do, do you"?" Joey says coppering Ross. Monica laughs and snorts.
"You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly." Ross speaks up.
""Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work." Rachel speaks up.
"Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered." Phoebe answers I laugh along with Chandler.
"Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on." Rachel snaps. They degenerate into bickering and Alex happily starts to smoke, undisturbed.
Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Alex  about her smoking.
"Do you have any respect for your body?" Joey speaks up.
"Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?" Ross asks.
"Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it." I answer
"Alex? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you." Rachel says.
"Really? He does? Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks!" I say handing back the phone and putting away the cigarette.
"God, she's good." Rachel says to Ross who walked up the counter.
'If only she were a man." Ross said.
" Yeah." Rachel answered. They gave each other a dubious look.
Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.
"Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too." I said.
" Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch." Chandler says and he does so.
"Hey. Where's Joey?" Monica asked.
"Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?" I replied not looking up from the tv
"I think he's across the hall." Rachel replied.
"Thanks." Monica says walking out.
"There y'go." Chandler says after he changed my patch.
"Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now." I said deadpan.
"Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?" Ross asked Phoebe.
"Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?" Phoebe asked.
"Hey, I might!" Ross spoke up.
"Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb." Phoebe spoke up.
"You're kidding. Oh my God." We all yelled.
"And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!" Phoebe complained.
"What's going on?" Joey asked getting dragged in by Monica.
"Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together." Monica says.
"Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.." joey randomly says.
"Uh, Joey.." Rachel says.
" Oh, God!" Joey panicked closing his legs.
"Okay.." Monica says turning of the tv.
"Oh! That was Lambchop! And it was the episode I need to watch as well." I complained.
"Please, guys, we have to talk." Monica speaks up. I sulk. Chandler lets me cuddle him.
"Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not." Phoebe speaks up.
" Alright, we have to talk." Monica says.
" There it is!" I said mimicking Phoebe.
" Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan." Monica randomly says. We all gasp and i cuddle Chandler more.
"Is there somebody else?" Ross asked.
"Are you coming out as gay?" I asked. Monica shook her head.
"No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change." She speaks up.
"We didn't change.." Rachel says.
"So that's it? It's over? Just like that?" Joey asked.
"You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I" phoebe speaks then chews her hair.
" Look, I- I could go on pretending-" She says.
"Okay!" Joey speaks up.
"-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!" Monica carried on.
"Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were." Ross spoke up.
"I'm sorry.." Monica carried on.
"Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!" I replied sarcastically.
"I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-." Rachel spoke up.
"I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans." She answered.
"Yeah  right it's like saying there will be more chandlers or more Alex's out there." I started.
"Oh, yeah! Right!" Everyone but Monica says.
"Are you guys gonna be okay?" Monica asks.
"Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time." Ross speaks for us all.
"I understand." Monica speaks up.
At Monica's apartment.
"Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun." I started.
"Yeah. He could row like a viking." Ross says.
"Hi." Monica says walking in.
"Mmm." I groan slamming my head on the table.
"So how'd it go?" Ross asks.
"Oh, y'know.." Monica starts.
"Did he mention us?" I ask.
"He said he's really gonna miss you guys." Monica reply's giving us a dubious look.
"You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere." Ross speaks up. She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.
"...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes." I said getting up.
"No no no!" Everyone yells as I get up.
"I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!" I replied walking outside.
"If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!" Phoebe yells to me.
"Yeah, alright." I say while walking back in.