Powems

My First Panic Attack

Disclaimer: I do not have clinically diagnosed anxiety, nor do I think I do, my experience is mot universal, and I'm simply writing my own account.

I didn't know what was happening to me,

I felt a small panic-y feeling the days before

The doctor said my new medication could-make me anxious
gee, it's not a vibe.

But a panic is attack doesn't even come close.

I took my medication
I've been taking it a while

I feel fine for once
The side effects are finally wearing off

They side effects weren't gone, however, they were dormant.

All I needed was a trigger

And there it was

It builds up, you feel cold, you sweat, your heart is fluttering
Desperate to break through like a bird in a bird cage.
I began to sob

And it was truly
Candidly
Impossible to stop

Some speak of a heavy chest, but mine felt light

Fluttering its wings, unable to contain itself

Holding my breath was impossible in a moment

I know to calm down, that's the thing

My mind was (somewhat) clear

I knew what I had to do,

It just wasn't working fast enough

And I didn't know what was happening

And the fear of the unknown exceeds logical thought, and all that is familiar and known

Am I having a heart attack?

I tried to steady my breathing,

I hid my face in my hands and focused on my breathing

That's what they teach you to do, you're supposed to do that, right?

Once I felt like I had my breathing in check, I tried to pay attention to how my body felt,

what it wanted, how I could help myself.

Okay, you're okay, you just have to pee now, the bathroom is right over there

I stand and the symptoms come rushing back faster than they left

Tears pool

My eyes mock my surroundings,
Black spots jest in my vision,
My breathing is shallow

I stay standing

I put my hand on my heart

It's too fast, it's too fast, oh God why is it so fast

I stagger the few feet

If I fall now, how long will it be before I stand up?

Miraculously I made it

The feeling subsides, funny how quick i am to notice it coming

But how
Quietly it left

How long has it been before I noticed it went away?