"You're like snow you know? You're cold. Cold to the point that it stings"
I never intended to be like snow. I never referred to snow as a painful thing until she said that. Aunty was too blunt sometimes. Her words cut me more than I could have expected. Snow was meant to be beautiful and nice, yet the way she sees it is bitter and painful. Is that how I'm seen as? Probably.
Lately I've found nothing to really say. No ways to express what I want to say. Half the time I don't even think I want to say it. I keep pushing Kayla away. I'm in a continuous hell of when I sleep and wake im thinking of ways to keep Alex or Kayla off my mind. Nothing seems to work. Like a bullet through the ocean. It's slow and painful because everyone wants to leave.
Leaving isn't my style though. Maybe it's Alex's maybe it's Kayla's. But it's not mine and when they do leave. Both of them. I'm going to lose it. I already can tell. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm like snow. Painful. Normally unwanted. Especially on the west coast.
Could that be why aunty left? South Carolina is her snow? I can't lie. The state itself wraps you in a thin ice blanket hoping to freeze your soul. At least that's what it's done to me. I share too much about myself when I talk about that place. When I talk about myself. This entire thing is about me and two other people though.
I hate talking of myself yet I can't avoid if I want to explain Kayla and Alex.
I've spoken to Kayla daily, not a surprise. Honestly it's a daily routine I guess you'd call it. There's nothing really to say for us talking. We talk about a lot of things. There's days when we talk and she can be the cause of a spark of questioning in me. Bugs me so much. It's not that it's a bad thing but in the end of that spark I end up frustrated with myself for caring.
What would people say if they could give snow an emotion? Would I possess that too? I could see snow as bland, blunt and brutal. Insensitive maybe. Snow. That's all that's running through my head now. Makes me feel like shit. But what doesn't lately?
Tonight seems to be a day where I wonder if I could anywhere I wanted if it'd be a "where " or a "who". It's definitely a who. No doubt.
