Nct dream one shots!

Markhyuck- guitar (&heart) strings

Maybe it's in the way your hands strum the chords of your guitar as if they aren't pulling on my heart strings too. The way you look over at me past your glasses that I had definitely called stupid but now I can't get enough of them.

Maybe it's the way you hum along to the mindless chords as if every time you do my heart isn't stuck in my throat. Or maybe it's the way your dyed hair is poking in too many directions, in a way that is all the more endearing. Or the way your skin is warm, so warm I can almost feel it from where I'm sitting across from you.

Maybe it's the way you say my name, the way the syllables spill from your mouth like a maze you have memorized. Like you know me so well and it feels- it just feels right.
Maybe.

Maybe, but sometimes days like this are too much. Too much and never enough. Do you know how painful it is to sit here so close to you, one slight move and I could feel the warmth of your skin on mine. How painful it is to sit here and admire you like I always do. One minute longer of my eyes on your face, committing it to my memory like you had my name and you might catch me looking. You're sitting here so close- you always have been so close. But never close enough. You always seem close but really you're miles away, like I'm being left behind.

It feels like I can't reach you no matter how hard I try. You are so so far minhyung. I wish I could hold you, feel you, love you the way my heart begs me to. I wonder how that would go. One slight move and I could push you away. One slight move and we break. One slight mistake I could make, could end up ruining what we have and I hate how easily I could make that very mistake.

So I tell myself these days are enough. I can endure the pain, a thousand times over if it means I can have you look at me. To hear you say my name, and feel your warmth. I'd take all the pain in the world if it mean that you wouldn't leave me behind. Always for you. I'll keep quiet and endure anything.

Maybe that makes me a coward. I wouldn't be surprised if I was. I'm terrified of losing you. Terrified to think these painful days would end and I would never get to hear your hands playing the guitar strings ever so softly. I don't know what id do knowing it was my fault. Knowing it was my own selfish thoughts that broke us. Knowing that I will never feel how close you are to me now again because of my stupid heart on my sleeve. So I keep quiet.

Quiet as you sing beside me. Barring yourself to me like any other day.  I keep quiet as you fumble over the next few bars claiming you don't know the chords too well. We both know you're lying, but I keep quiet.

I let my mind race and my heart beat faster as the minutes pass by listening to you. Let myself imagine what it would be like to brush the hair out of your eyes and let my hand linger there, resting on your cheek. Gently brushing my thumb under your eye, pouring all these missed emotions out. Let myself imagine what it would be like if I could call you mine. I let myself bask in you, taking in as much of you as I can.

I wish I could. Wish I could do that, wish I could tell you these things but I don't. I keep quiet.

I bet you would think I'm a coward. 

And you know what? You're probably right.

But how am I supposed to be brave when there's so much at risk. How am I supposed to be brave when everything is at risk? 

I'm fine being a coward. If being a coward means I can still have this time with you. Really I am. Probably.

Maybe I'll be brave enough to tell you everything that runs through my head when you smile at me. Brave enough to tell you just how much you pull on my heart strings as you do your guitar. Brave enough to tell you just how many of your features that I wouldn't be able to forget even if I tried. Brave enough to reach for the warmth of your skin.

Brave enough to ask you 'please don't leave me'

And maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell you 'I love you' and be brave enough to hear your response. 

Maybe.

If that day were to come....i can't help but fantasize about what it could be like all over again. Our fingers intertwined, soft kisses and smiles. The minutes that pass us by wouldn't feel so painful, no they would be perfect. So worth every second of pain or wasted time we missed. Those days I could fantasize about forever. Those days would feel like home.

I would finally be able to say those three words stuck in my throat. Say them to you out loud. With all the love in my heart, I could pour it all out for you-unafraid. I wouldn't have to hold back anymore. Those three words I would say to you over and over again until you truly understood and believed them.

"I love you. I love you minhyung. Mark Lee, I love you so much."  I would whisper these confessions to you like a broken record, over and over. Just for you to hear.

And you'd say them back to me, and hold me close as you do. "I know Donghyuck. I love you too."

We'd be in love and we wouldn't be afraid.

But then again, that's only in my wildest dreams right?