Complicated

October 22nd - NXT Part Two

The vending machine whired loudly as it made my cup of coffee. I watched intently as the liquid trickled down into the cup and steam rose from. I wandered down here to the cafeteria after leaving Bobby's room just out of habit. That's what everyone does at the hospital when they need a break from whatever happened.. Just like coffee. Everyone always gets coffee at the hospital..

The window on the vending machine lowered and I took my cup. It was hot even through the cup and the cardboard sleeve I added to it. The coffee smelled weak. Like water with just a drop of coffee added to it, which was exactly how it tasted.

I started walking back toward the Emergency Room. I wanted to sit in the abandoned cafeteria and ignore all of my problems, but my legs couldn't be still. If I stopped moving then I would start thinking. That was the very last thing I wanted to do right now.

My head was spinning enough as it was. More than a year ago, when I first decided that if Bobby ever showed any interest in me then I would see where it goes; I never thought this is where I would end up. I always thought that he wouldn't be interested. That was my way out of my own feelings. I just blamed his lack of attraction to me.

It was easy to get through that. Before a few weeks ago, we never really talked. We didn't go out of our way to avoid each other. At least, I didn't go out of my way to avoid him. Now, I'm pretty sure he did. I was close friends with Adam. And over my two years in WWE, I had become friends with Kyle and Roderick. Those were Bobby's best friends. Yet, he and I never ended up in the same place too often. How was this even possible if he wasn't actively avoiding me?

That realization made me feel worse.

I stopped in the empty hallway somewhere between the cafeteria and the elevators that would take me up to the Emergency Room. I leaned against the railing and allowed the tears, that I had been stubbornly holding in, out.

I could deal with someone not wanting me. I could handle someone flat out not liking me. But this in between felt like drowning in a sea of possibilities and what ifs. Now with the thought that maybe part of Bobby thinks of me as a gold digger just drug me under further.

He was right about others thinking so. A lot of people from Superstars to nosy crew to fans would call me a gold digger if he and I were together. It wasn't that I hadn't been called one before.

There's a whole subreddit about how I am one because I am "dating" Damian, which I find hilarious. For one because Damian and I aren't actually together, but we make it very believable therefore are doing our jobs. And for two, because he is only nine years older than me. I know that's still a sizable difference, but it's certainly a lot less than 15.

I have never once cared about what anyone else thinks. The fans can call me whatever they want as long as they are still watching. The crew, writers, refs, and superstars are always saying something about us. My own mother has her opinions about me that I don't care about (not that they're bad opinions).

But Bobby thinking less of me, now that hurts. My stomach twisted and my sobs grew stronger at the thought.

I wasn't sure how long I had been crying with my back pressed against the wall, but when I finally managed to stop my feet were numb from the lack of movement. I scanned the hallway for a ladies room which I found just a short ways down.

I threw away the cup of tasteless coffee that had grown cool then grabbed a paper towel and ran it under the cool water. I was still wearing makeup from filming the promo earlier so now mascara was running down my face. I worked on wiping off as much of the makeup as I could. My eyelids still shimmered from the leftover eyeshadow, but there were no longer black streaks down my cheeks.