Come Back To Me

21

An hour later, I was sitting in the elementary school parking lot. My mind couldn't even process seeing Alex with Selena again. It was bad enough when she tried taking him from me two months after we got together. I didn't need that kind of trouble again. She wasn't worth his time; except he didn't realize that. She'd cheated on him with four different guys. For him to go back to her would be the stupidest decision he'd make. Maybe it seemed like I was overreacting, but I knew their history. And I knew what kind of person Selena was.

My eyes were blurred with tears. My heart was completely broken. I asked myself why over and over. Wasn't I enough? What went wrong? Just earlier that day, we'd almost kissed. What could've happened in the eight hours since I'd seen him last? What could've changed? Was there something wrong with me? The questions raced through my brain, unanswered.

Suddenly there was a knocking on my window. I jumped; startled. On the other side of the passenger side window was Matt, looking pretty depressed. He motioned for me to unlock the door. I tried signaling that I wanted to be alone, but eventually gave up on that and let him in.

"I knew something was wrong when I came home and your car wasn't in the parking lot," Matt said as he retied his shoe. "And I knew I'd find you here."

"I had to come here," I turned away from him, suddenly embarassed of how my face probably looked from crying.

"Hanna, listen to me," I heard him adjusting in the seat as he turned to face me. "I have to tell you something."

That perked my ears right back up. I whipped around to look at him. "What?"

"I knew he was talking to Selena. I should've said something to him the other day, but I didn't, and this is all my-" I stopped him.

"Matt, what are you talking about?"

"I knew she sent him a text. The other day he asked me who she was. I'd told him that they dated our junior year of high school, and he didn't ask anymore questions. He asked me if I thought she'd know anything about him that she could tell him. I said probably not, since it'd been almost a year since they last talked. I swear though, Hanna, I swear to God that I had no idea she was going to be there tonight. I would've told her to leave."

I opened my mouth, but closed it when I decided I had nothing to say. It took me a few moments to process what he just told me. Matt knew? Why wouldn't he tell me?

"I couldn't say anything else to him because I would've had to explain that you guys were dating. And I couldn't do that. It wasn't my place to tell him. And I knew you didn't tell him yet, so I couldn't say anything else about her." Matt added, looking into my eyes. "Han, I understand if you can't forgive me. I guess I really should've told him. Seeing how hurt you are now, I know I should've told him."

"It's not your fault, Matt," I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to get rid of the splitting headache I'd aquired. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I should've told him about our past. When we almost kissed today, because he wanted to kiss me, I should've told him. That was the universe telling me to tell him. Telling me to get over myself and put on my big girl panties. And I didn't take it."

Matt just looked at me for a second. I felt bad for him, too. Suddenly I realized what a terrible position I'd put everyone else in. I'd made them unable to tell Alex the truth about some things. My decision to wait for Alex to remember on his own had affected everyone.

What had I done?

"It's okay, Hanna," Matt put his hand on my shoulder. "Everything's going to be fine, I just know it is."

"I really hope so," I whispered. Another tear streaked down my left cheek. "I just can't believe he actually is talking to Selena again."

"It's not gonna last long," Matt tried to soothe my fears. "She'll hurt him again."

"I don't know if I can wait, though, Matt."

That night, after I'd gone home, Zoey was still sitting on my bed. When I talked to her, she was really nice about the whole thing. She comforted me and made me hot chocolate. And when I asked her if she would go home, she didn't even get offended. That was the best thing about a best friend. She understood that it wasn't anything she did; I just needed to be myself to try and process everything from that evening.

I ignored my mother's questions. By one AM she'd been in twice to try and talk to me. Both times I blew her off, telling her that I didn't want to talk anymore, and she seemed to get the message. My dad had come in once to hug me. He didn't say anything; he just wrapped me ina a bear hug the way he always did when I was a little girl.

My phone wouldn't quit ringing. Alex kept calling. The only problem was that I didn't want to talk to him at the moment. I might've been upset, but I knew it would be easier to talk to him once things calmed down.

My heart begged me to answer the phone, but my brain knew better. Several times, my hand hovered over it, contemlating whether or not to slide the little icon and answer. I knew better, though, and just let the call go to voicemail each time. Alex got the idea after eight calls, and finally left me alone. I just wanted to be with my thoughts for a while.

Without even asking for it, I was pulled into another memory of Alex and I.

"You're an asshole," I giggled as the water dripped off of my body. It was an insanely hot afternoon in July, and Alex had surprised me with a five gallon bucket of water. He thought it would be a good idea to dump it on my head.

"You know you love me," He smiled and gestured to his face. I stuck out my tongue. Goosebumps grew all over my arms and legs. I hugged myself, suddenly aware of how cold I was. It was hot enough outside, but ice water dropped your body temperature a bit.

"I do," I grinned and started walking toward him. "Now come here."

I held my arms out in front of me. When he didn't back up, I wrapped my arms around his midsection. "Aw, really," He closed his eyes and laughed. "That's cold. You're cold."

"I know. It's your fault," I looked up at him and right into his eyes. They were baby blue and full of wonder. Like making me wonder how I ever got to be with him. He was just so perfect.

"Now you come here," He placed a kiss on my forehead, my nose, and then finally my lips. "You're so cute," He whispered between kisses. This was my definition of happiness. This moment in time. Everything was just so perfect.

All I needed was him.

Every single day.

Forever.

When I came back to reality, I was crying again. Thinking of Alex just made me cry. That memory may not have been our first "I love you" or our first kiss, but something about it had always stood out to me. Even just two months after we'd gotten together, we were completely comfortable around each other. There was no awkwardness. And he'd never stopped looking at me the way he did that day. It was a mix of happiness, giddiness, and excitement, all rolled into one. He looked at me like that every day that we were together, and I'd taken it for granted. Now, I didn't have it anymore.

I was empty without him.

A hollow shell of myself.

Permanantly scarred.

Broken.