A Day With Tom

Loose Ends

I open my eyes and they feel dry and scratchy. I rub my right eye and my hand has smeared mascara on it. My brain feels foggy and I feel like my whole body hurts.

And then it hits me.

Flashbacks of the coffee shop, bookstores, Peaches, hugging, and holding hands. A dress, red lipstick, and sunset on the Hudson River. For a minute it feels like being in an amazing movie. And then reality smashes the spiderwebs on my eyes. I remember coming home and feeling exhausted. I have too many emotions to even be able to begin sorting through them. I pull my phone up and instinct pushes me to open TikTok. Immediately I realize that was a mistake. But I can't look away. Video after video of Tom with Peaches, Tom taking pics with fans, Tom looking perfect in his black shirt and black pants.

Tom.

I feel conflicted about seeing videos of him now. Yesterday, before I had met him, I relished in getting a notification that he posted a video or seeing fan mash-ups of his old videos. Today it feels...raw? Not painful because I am more than grateful that I had a magical day with my celebrity crush. I mean people would kill to have those memories. But I know me. It's a matter of minutes before I start questioning: What if...? What if I call him? Will we date? Or am I lying to myself? Do I really think that's a good idea? What will I do? Become a fan who thinks that she will end up with her celebrity crush? Then again, other fans have in the past. But while I have a massive crush on him, does that mean I love him? Does he love me? What about what he said about Emma?

My thoughts immediately become a vicious circle of maybes and what-ifs that my self-esteem immediately crushes and shoots down.

By the time I have finished getting ready, I make a decision. I need a break from Tom Felton. Just to feel normal again. So I pull my phone and remove all notifications from all my social media. I also unfollow him on Instagram and Twitter and make a mental note not to open TikTok for a while. I mindlessly gulp down some coffee and pick up my bag to go back to normal.

Back to normal means following my rituals I tell myself as I stand in front of the coffee shop where everything started. I will go in and get my cup from Suzie and then go to work.

The bell rings announcing my entry into the coffee shop and unlike yesterday there is only one other lady inside. She looks nothing like Tom Felton so I exhale and walk up to the counter.

"Good morning, Suzie," I say in a very 'I got this' voice.

Suzie looks up and looks relieved.

"Charli! You're here! I told him he should wait for you," Suzie says and my senses immediately go into high alert.

"Him?"

"The guy from yesterday. Your friend? Tim?"

"Mhm," I am able to nod.

"He came over like an hour ago, looked very rushed. Said he had a plane to catch but asked if I knew when you would be in. I told him you usually come around 9:30, but he said he couldn't wait and really wanted to talk to you."

"Right...weird," I reply for a lack of a better description of my feelings.

"Well anyway, he said to give you this," she says as she reaches for a small square package and hands it to me.

It looks like a book wrapped very poorly in brown paper. On top of the paper, one word: "Charli."

I take it and put in my bag not trusting myself with it in here. A couple of minutes later I grab my coffee and with the book literally burning a hole in my heart I walk into the restroom on my office's floor.

I go into a stall and pull out the package. Nothing else is written on it. I take off the brown paper and I am staring down at a book, a teal cover with a red matchbox in the middle that says: "Burn After Reading."

I open the flap and a note falls out.

"My darling Charli,

You left yesterday before I could say goodbye. I think I know why and I understand your decision. But I wish you would have given me a chance to try and say goodbye. I don't know what I would have said since I don't really know what to say now. I just know that yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a while and it's all because of you. Thank you. Thank you for showing me New York, for spending time with me and getting to know me while you let me get to know you. We never got a chance to exchange books so I hope this reaches you. It's a book full of questions, very similar to the ones we asked each other yesterday. When I bought it I was hopeful that we could continue answering them together. But even if we never do I hope you answer them and find your way to "making it." I don't think you are as far off the path as you actually think.

I don't have your phone number but you have mine...

love, Tom x"

I fold the note and look at the book. I flip through it and see questions like:

First friend? First love? First record/CD bought?

One of the pages is dog eared. There is a quote that Tom underlined:

"You can't look at something without changing it; you can't look at yourself without changing."

I close the book and take a deep sigh. The books. Of course. I had completely forgotten.

I look back at the note and decide this is the best closure I could have gotten. Now my adventure has a little ending. Maybe I can write about it in this new book and share it with other people one day. Today though is not that day. And I don't think it will be for a couple of months at least.