Down For The Ride (Jonathan Toews)

10~ Always Been There

Jonathan

Though Bri is still relatively young, she has a pretty good grip on reality. She's learned a lot of lessons the hard way and one thing she always does is have a "no media day". So she won't go on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram or tiktok. She only goes on her phone to answer calls or to write if she has something going on in her mind that she'll post another day.

Today was her no media day and that gave her some time to hang out with me before my game tonight. We already had breakfast together and I went to morning skate. We decided to go see a movie then grab a bite to eat afterwards. She has already seen the new Star Wars movie like a million times but that's what she wants to see today so that's what we're watching.

We get to the theatre early and sit in the back in the hopes we can get through the movie with no one recognizing us. It's like noon on a Thursday so hopefully everyone is still working on this cool February afternoon.

"Have you always been a Star Wars fan" I wonder, just trying to fill the extra time we have right now.

"Funny you ask that, because I actually hated it growing up. I was born after the originals and I was a teenager when the prequels came out. My dad played the hell out of the originals my entire childhood and once they started the second trilogy The Phantom Menace, which could arguably be the most boring movie since it's just a introduction to characters, was over played too.

It wasn't until the Mandolorian came out last year did I really get into the Star Wars universe. I watched all the tv series and the movies and now I'm really into it. I went from hating the whole franchise to loving it. I even got to hang out with Mark Hamil in LA for a little which was crazy. He's such a iconic person who has done so many different characters and voices throughout our lives. I even tricked him into doing a video with me sometime" she smiles proudly.

"We'll look at you" I tease.

"It's so crazy that I'm almost thirty and I'm finding love for things that have always been there, I just was too blind to see it at first" she says softly as she looks up at me. My breath gets caught in my throat as I stare down at her.

We talk every single day, but never about us or our feelings. Never really getting to what needs to be said. And that's okay, because eventually we will get there. One day this will all be too much and we won't be able to deny our feelings any longer. But until then I wanted to keep my friend in my life for as long as possible.

"I'm happy that you can find such wonders in something you already have. Not a lot of people can do that, looking for their love in something that might never come. They can spend their whole lives waiting and it never be there. Never seeing that maybe everything you want, everything you need to be happy is right there in front of you.

But not you. You seem to have it all figured out" I admit.

"Far from it. I literally have to force myself away from where my life is because I can't handle the fact that I'll never make everyone happy. I don't know where my life is leading me, though I am down for the ride. And I'm scared of the future, I'm scared people don't think I actually care. That I just do all of this because I can.

But I do care. Maybe a little too much and that's part of the reason I just get so overwhelmed all the time. I'm a mess but I'm just better at hiding it" she shrugs.

"I've been with you for a little over a month and I have yet to see you being a mess" I insist.

"I'm a girl, I can hide it well" she smirks.

"Well I hope you find more things to love about your life, especially in things that has always been right in front of you" I say softly.

She smiles big as she reaches over and grabs my hand. "I think I can do that" she replies.

We sit through the whole movie with our hands laced together. Except for the parts where Bri got way into and started clapping or pointing to the screen. Which was most of the parts to be honest. Even though she's seen this three times already you could never tell. She found the same amount of wonder and awe in this movie just as she does in life. And for that I was so jealous.

After the movie we decided to go to Chicago Cut for a nice steak. I liked heavy meals before games because it gave me strength and a good reason for a pre game nap. So we order our food and have a good old time. Like always. She tells me of her plans for some videos coming up and she asks for my opinions though I know nothing about her job. But she always seemed to value my opinion which was really cool.

After lunch we head back to the apartment for my pregame nap. She transfers her ideas she had to her laptop and I lay in bed. And usually after a big lunch like that I was out. But for some reason today I couldn't close my eyes and I couldn't sleep. My mind going a mile a minute trying to figure out what this feeling I had was and why I was feeling this way.

I stare up at my ceiling and try to get my thoughts in order. I've known Bri for four years now. And we've gone to movies and games and hung out alone before. I've met her family and became a part of it even when she was out in LA and I was still here. A big part of my life was connected to her and I hoped that it was always going to be like that.

But I feel like the dynamic of this relationship is changing. Like she said, sometimes it's seeing things that has always been there that changes us. And she's always been there for me for these past four years. While our relationship has always been friendly I knew that she was someone I could count on. She's more wise than she knows.

I'm starting to have realizations of myself. And I'm afraid that the kind of change that comes with it is something I'm not ready for, not in the least. But I'm more afraid that if I don't say something I could lose her entirely.