Down For The Ride (Jonathan Toews)

47~ Guilty

Brielle

Our time in Canada has been nothing short of amazing, but sadly it was about time to go back to the real world. Jonny has training camp coming up and I had a million and one things to do in Chicago before I get back to LA to do a million and one more things. Carter was about to head back to Champaign to get ready for workouts through they don't even know if they'll have a football season this year and mom and Kaitlyn found a place close to Chicago so I wanted to help them move and make sure everything is taken care of at the farm. The moment we leave this beautiful providence everything changes once again and I was going to enjoy every last second in this cabin.

"Look! He's dancing" Jon says as he takes garfields paws and makes him do a little dance. Garfields face said he hated it but he wasn't trying to stop Jon either.

"And to think people think you're serious all the time" I scoff.

"Garfields the serious one now. I mean look at him" he teases. Garfield had that cat face where he doesn't look like he's amused by much. But he is a cat so there's not much to do about that.

"He is pretty serious" I chuckle.

I continue to pack up our things getting ready for departure tomorrow. I bought quite a few things we can't find in the states starting with the ketchup chips and some timbits. I felt like I was so far away from everything that troubles me and I was about to run right back into it face first. I missed my friends and family but I didn't miss all the heartache that comes with seeing them again.

"Baby what's wrong" Jon asks softly as he sits on the bed. I continue to zip up my suitcase trying not to crack.

"Nothing" I whisper as my eyes start to swell.

"Ellie I know when something is wrong so don't even try to act like you're not feeling what you're feeling. You can talk to me, I'm here for you. Please, just talk to me" he begs as he grabs my hips and turns me to him. As soon as I look into those deep brown eyes I break immediately.

"I feel guilty" I say softly and he looks at me weird.

"Guilty about what babe" he questions.

"For not wanting to leave. For not wanting to be the great Brielle Ava Evans people expect me to be" I admit.

He just looks at me before pulling me into his lap. I curl up into a ball as I try not to cry for absolutely no reason at all. At least not a good one.

"You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the pressures people put on you. Trust me, I get it. Not to the extent that you have it, but I get it. When I go back to Chicago I have to be someone different than who I get to be here. And how I wish we could stay here forever, but there are people out there who needs us whether we like it or not" he explains.

"I know" I sniffle. "It just sucks. I go back and my dad still won't be there. But everyone asking for me, following me around and asking me questions I'll never know the answer to will be there and I'm not strong enough to be that person yet. I know avoiding everything won't help anyone, especially not me, but I'm so happy here. And not that fake happy, I'm really happy" I explain.

"I'm so glad that you love it here, but we will always have this place. Those opportunities out there waiting for us won't always be there. We have to cease these moments and hope people will understand. You're super human but you're still human and humans need rest, they need love and they need a break sometimes. You shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to be that person everyone perceives you as. No matter how close that person is to being your true self they will never be the same. Because that you was created by the public in a mold they want you to fit. And you fit the mold perfectly, standing for what you believe in, fighting for those who lost their strength, making light in dark situations and just being the funny lovable role model you are and you've always been. You shouldn't put more pressure on yourself on top of what everyone else puts on you" he begs.

"I pride myself on being see through with everyone and I try my best. Things most people can't talk about is recorded and on my YouTube channel. But I feel like I can't express these kinds of concerns without people being all like "she's not thankful for her fans" or "she doesn't appreciate how good she has it." That couldn't be farther from the truth because each and every person who looks up to me and is on this ride with me I love dearly. I wish there was a way I could meet each and every one of them. And I know how blessed I am to have every single dollar and sponsor and friend I've gotten through this journey. It's not that I'm not grateful because more than anything I am. I just... it's so much" I sigh.

"Look at me" he begs as he softly grabs my chin. I look back into those big brown eyes but I don't break this time. This time I felt a little bit better. "You're going to be great, okay? You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to do everything people ask of you. Every step of the way I'll be supporting you even when I'm not by your side. I don't want you to get back to Chicago and just shut down becasue it's too much. It's going to be your birthday and the Fourth of July and you'll get to see your friends again. And every time you need to vent I want you to find me. Even if you're complaining about me" he insists.

"You're perfect, I would never complain about you" I smirk.

"Oh just you wait until we have to be apart. You realize we have been together almost every day this year and for every second of our relationship" he asks.

"And I feel bad because I don't want that to change" I insist.

"Don't feel bad. We have the rest of our lives to be together" he says.

"Promise" I ask.

"Promise" he assures me.