Down For The Ride (Jonathan Toews)

26~ What Are You Scared Of?

Jonathan

Things went downhill for Bris dad in a hurry. He went from being admitted to the hospital to going to the ICU where many other COVID patients are. She talked to him for a little yesterday but they put him on a ventilator late last night. I got to talk to him for a little too and I could tell something was off. I couldn't put a finger on it but the Ray we knew and loved seemed to be slipping. The side effects of COVID mess with the neurology of people sometimes and he seemed to be one of those people. A bit forgetful and a bit slower than usual. But he still had that contagious smile, the same one his daughter has. I hope, more than anything, he can get off the ventilator and we can go be with him soon. But not a lot of people do so I was hoping for a miracle.

And while Bri was worried about her dad she continues to work. Maybe it was to distract her from thinking about her dad not coming off the ventilator, maybe it's because all she knew how to do was give. After her dad was diagnosed she took it upon herself to try and help out as many people as possible. So she was donating 5,000 masks to the greater Chicago area just to start. They were going to pass them out in stores and restaurants so that the people who can't afford them can protect themselves and maybe others too. She teams up with some other people to try and halt this terrible virus. We couldn't do much but she's doing everything she can.

"Come on Garfield, sit" I try as I hold a cat treat above him. He just paws my hand not wanting to sit at all.

"You haven't had a cat before, have you" Bri accuses and I laugh.

"No. But he can learn. He's the world smartest kitty, aren't you" I coo as she laughs at me.

"You might have the National Hockey Leagues least manliest pet" she jokes.

"You're just mad because Garfield loves me almost as much as you" I claim.

"Almost. And don't you forget it" she smirks.

We face time her family again and they were trying to stay in good spirits. No one else knew about her dad besides her family and me. They wanted to keep this between them because it's easier to fight this thing that way.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about Bri. She was a strong girl but only because she needs to be. Whenever she wasn't strong she went to her dad and he made her feel better. Now he's in a over flowing hospital fighting for his life and she is trying to be the glue that holds her family together. I just hope she knows she doesn't have to be strong with me.

"So what do you want to do for the rest of the night" I wonder as her family gets ready for the next day.

"I think I'm gonna turn in. I know it's early but I just need some time to think" she insists.

My face falls as I nod slowly. "Alright. Well I'm here if you need me" I assure her.

She turns to leave but I grab her wrist stopping her in her tracks.

"If you needed help you would tell me, right" I ask.

She lets out a harsh sigh as she turns to me. "I can't promise you that" she says.

"How am I supposed to help if you won't let me" I ask.

"It's not that I don't want your help" she tries.

"Then what is it" I counter.

"I'm scared Jonny" she snaps and I jump a little. I let go of her wrist as her shoulders fall. I know she didn't mean to yell but she's stressed. I can feel it.

"What are you scared of" I ask softly.

"Everything" she whispers. "I'm scared that this pandemic will never end. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my dad and I won't even get to see him again. I'm scared that when this all fades and I die off people will forget everything I fought for while I was here. I'm scared that I will go my whole life surrounded by people but feeling so alone. I'm afraid that all of this is for nothing, that in the end I worked my ass off my whole life and it wouldn't even matter" she lists off.

I stand there frozen trying to take all this in. She isn't one to snap like this but she can only handle so much before she breaks. She's super human, but the second part of that name is still human. And she feels like she has to do it all with a smile on her face. She's open with her struggles but not with how she handles them. Never really truly getting better.

"I don't want to lose you" I start. "Because out of everything I'm scared to lose, I'm scared to lose you the most. And not you running away or you giving up this life you have. I'm scared that you're going to lose yourself and I won't be able to find you again.

I love everything about you El. From your crazy wide range of music interest to your assortments of essential oils you use to the fact that you are fearless. I love that you're my best friend and I love having you here with me. So stay" I beg.

"I don't want to let you down" she sniffles.

"You, the real you, could never" I promise her.

She stares at me for a second before reaching her hand out. For the first time she was reaching out for help and for the first time she was going to get it.

She takes me to her room and we crawl into her bed. She lays down and I lay right behind her as I make her the little spoon. We just lay there together in silence, trying to find peace in all of this. But I'm not sure peace was in our future.

"I hope you know that I love you too. You're my one true friend, my better half. And I'm really happy that I got stuck with you" she says.

A sad smile comes up on my face as I pull her closer. "I know you do. I can feel it" I promise her.

She turns around so we were face to face. She studied me closely before cupping my cheek. She messes around with the stubble on my face as I smile.

"No matter what happens I want you here with me" she insists.

"I'm down for the ride" I smirk as she just laughs at me.

"You're the best" she claims.

"I try" I smile.