Scars (Sequel to Cuts) - Kellic // boyxboy

Chapter Twenty-Four

Vic

I turn the handle as far as it will go, ensuring the latch doesn't catch on door frame as I slowly push the door open. The jingle of my keys and the clicking of the lock probably already gave away my arrival, I don't doubt it for a second. But I can hope.

I step into the house, thinking I've succeeded in silence, but the creaking of the floorboard beneath me makes the house go eerily quiet. It takes a moment for my brain to process what had been previously making noise—my husband, sobbing. 

I don't bother with shutting the door quietly, that battle has been lost.

His footsteps get louder as he gets closer and soon he's standing at the entrance to the living room. He glares at me tearfully, his face puffy, his eyes baggy. He hasn't slept. I know the look. I see it most days in the mirror, the dreaded mirror.

We just stare at each other. I want to cry. Just seeing him upset makes me want to cry, it always does. But I don't feel like I get to cry right now.

The silence and the stillness of the room feels hostile and it lasts for so much longer than it should, but I don't have anything to say.

"Every time you disappear," Kellin finally croaks. A succession of tears race down his face and build up on his jaw until they drop. I don't see where they go, I'm too scared to break eye-contact. "I think he's found you. I think my worst nightmare has come true and he's hurt you."

His face is near purple as he tries to stifle his sobs.

I sigh, hoping that the breath will expel the guilt building up inside me. I can't let it build up. It will eat me alive.

"He's not going to find us, Kellin. He's not looking. We're safe." I assure him, hoping to ease his anxiety. I never seem to be able to though. 

"You don't know that! How could you know that?" Kellin screams, flailing his arms.

I want to tell him that Carter's dead. He's gone. He's not going to hurt him, me or anyone else ever again. But I don't know how to make the words come out. The lump in my throat isn't permitting me from revealing the truth, because that would mean admitting aloud, to my husband, the one person I can count on to love me, that I'm at fault for another person's death.

This guilt is going to kill me. I can feel it. It's only a matter of when.

When I don't answer Kellin's questions, he asks another.

"Where were you?" he snaps.

"With Tony." I say, walking the line between lying and being honest.

"Doing what? You were gone all night! You left your fucking phone here!" he yells.

His anger echos off the walls. Every time he yells, I feel the venom of his resentment poison my blood just a little more. And that poison pumps through my veins and feeds my brain, strengthening the pathways that channel my self-hatred. 

"Kell," my voice cracks, desperate to say something, anything, that will make him love me again. But I lose my voice. 

I open my mouth, trying to force words out but every time I try to speak, tears slip out instead.

Kellin's angry demeanor softens and I see the pity in his eyes.

"I don't mean to yell, I just get so scared." he croaks.

I wipe my cheeks and take a deep breath, feeling a little better now that I know he's not angry at me, he's just worried.

"I know. I'm sorry, Kells. It won't happen again. I'm sorry." I whisper.

He chokes out a sob and steps toward me before falling into my arms. My stitched up wound aches through my hoodie as it presses against his back, but the pain is worth it and ultimately I deserve it.

He cries for a while and every thread in my body wants to snap so I can crumble, but I hold myself together for his sake. I need to be strong for him.

"I don't want to lose you." he chokes out in a soft and scared whisper.

I make friends with the lump in my throat and don't speak. I don't know how to reassure him. I know he doesn't want to lose me, but I can feel myself falling apart at the seams, slipping away piece by piece, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I should.

I'm conflicted, part of me worries about leaving him, but the other part of me knows he deserves better. Is staying here just selfishness?

I walk this fragile line. And I might just slip at any moment.

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This one's short so I'll update again in a couple days xx