it was always you - clexa au

t w e n t y f o u r

⚠️tw - self harm ⚠️

Two weeks later and Lexa had only left the apartment once, to stock up on alcohol. She still couldn't stop her whirling mind from thinking about Clarke. Even when Lexa was passed out on the sofa, her heart beated rapidly from dreams of the blonde. That last imagine of Clarke sobbing and shaking engraved into her mind, torturing her day and night. But she didn't do anything about it. She deserved it. She'd already hurt Clarke and there was no point trying to apologise just to hurt her again in the future. 

Anya walked the school hallways on a mission to find Clarke. The blonde had stayed off of school for nearly two weeks but her mother had made her come in today. Eventually Anya heard screams coming from the music room and hurried in to find Clarke on the floor, her knuckle bleeding.

"Clarke!" Anya shouted loudly as she ran over to the blonde and knelt down next to her, gently taking her by the wrist to examine her hand. She noticed Clarke's quiet whimper as she held her wrist, her eyes widened slightly. Anya didn't know what to do, she couldn't just call out Clarke and ask her if she'd cut her wrists. Anya dug around in her bag and found a spare T-shirt, then proceeded to wrap it tightly around Clarke's knuckle. "Clarke look at me," Anya whispered softly as she gently placed Clarke's arm down onto her lap. Slowly Clarke turned her head and her glassy blue eyes met Anya's hazel ones.

"Have you?" Anya gestured to her arm. Clarke hesitantly nodded, looking away from Anya. Over the past two weeks Anya had become a close friend, taking care of her and distracting her from the Lexa situation as much as she could. But as soon as Anya left, Clarke spiralled down again. She'd never felt so alone in her whole life. Two weeks, not a word from Lexa. Not a single word and Clarke was slowly giving up all hope that she'd ever see the brunette again. She wanted to be angry at her, she wanted to hate her. But Clarke found it impossible to hate Lexa, because she still loved her. Clarke felt nothing but numb and she was sick of it. So she slowly fell back into her old ways, she began to cut again, at least it made her feel something.

Today during music class Clarke couldn't handle it. The room reminded her too much of Lexa. All her feelings boiled up and as soon as the rest of her class left she finally let her anger out. Punching her fist into the wall over and over again, until she felt so weak that she fell to the floor in tears. "Clarke, please don't do this to yourself, you deserve better than this. Let me drive you to the hospital, your hand looks fucked." Clarke could only nod, no words forming in her throat. Anya draped Clarke's arm over her shoulder and lifted the younger girl to her feet. "I just wanted to feel something A..." the cracked voice trailed off with a sniffle. Anya's heart melted at the words but she understood. She'd been through enough of her own problems to know the need to feel something, anything.

Anya drove Clarke to the hospital and waited with her to find out about the injury. She'd broken her knuckles, and Anya wasn't surprised. Anya waited with Clarke until she was taken to get her cast on. "I'll pick you up in an hour okay?" She reassured Clarke as they walked behind the doctors out of the waiting room. Clarke offered a thankful smile and nodded, using her one good arm to pull Anya into a quick hug.

Anya left the hospital promptly and drove straight to the apartment. She'd had enough of Lexa's moping, and she could see how badly she was hurting both of them, especially Clarke. Anya couldn't keep pretending to Lexa that Clarke was fine every time she asked, especially after what she'd just found out.

Anya walked into the apartment and was hit with the scent of alcohol and takeaway pizzas. She rolled her eyes and picked up some rubbish as she walked through to the kitchen to find Lexa looking through the cupboards. "What are you looking for?" Anya snapped making Lexa jump and turn round quickly. The brunette had huge bags under her eyes, her hair a greasy mess. "Shot glasses.." she admitted with a gulp, stepping forward to lay her hands on the counter top opposite Anya.

Anya shook her head with disappointment, "like you even need the glasses, not going straight from the bottle like usual?" Anya's voice was sarcastic and annoyed. "Why are you so pissy today An?" Lexa shot her friend a cheeky smirk. Anya crossed her arms, "don't you dare smile at me Lexa, I came here from the hospital, I'm not in the mood for your bullshit."

Lexa's eyes widened, "hospital? Are you okay, is Lincoln okay?" Lexa voice was concerned and she'd become a little more serious. "We're both fine, Clarke's not."

Lexa gulped and looked away from her friend, staring at the floor. "What happened?" She asked her voice shaky and scared. "Maybe if you'd stop ignoring her then you'd see. You thought breaking up with her would stop her from hurting. But instead she's hurting a hell of a lot more, hurting herself."

Something clicked in Lexa's brain and she realised what Anya was talking about. Her heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach. "Is she.." Lexa trailed off as tears began to flow down her cheeks. "She's alive Lexa, but something tells me she doesn't want to be. She broke her knuckle from punching a wall in music class, she has cuts all up her arms, she said she just wanted to feel something. Anything... because for the last two weeks it's just been numbness."

Lexa's legs started to tremble and her breathing was uneven, quickening by the second. "I didn't want to hurt her..." Lexa's words expressed how lost she felt and Anya felt pity as well as anger towards her. "But you did and only you can fix it Lexa. I know you love her, and she's still hopelessly in love with you. So talk to her. Please, for both your sakes." All Lexa could manage was a shaky nod.

"I've got to go and collect her from the hospital, talk to her soon. Lincoln will be round tonight to check on you." With that Anya walked out, slamming the door behind her as she went. Leaving Lexa with her thoughts. She'd done all this to protect the girl she loved, but in the end it had just hurt her more. Lexa didn't know what to do now. And she hated herself for it. For all of it.