it was always you - clexa au

f o u r t y s e v e n

⚠️ trigger mentions of self harm/abuse ⚠️

That night Lexa left the school building in a mess, heading straight back to her apartment. Unwelcome feelings had resurfaced with the memories of her painful childhood and piles of blame for the sudden death of her unborn brother. The brunette sat on her couch, whiskey bottle at the tip of her fingers. For hours she just sat and stared at the bottle.

Since she'd left the ghosts of her old town behind, she hadn't drunk, maybe in the hopes that she'd be able to prove to her loved ones that she was better than they thought she was. She was nine years clean. Despite the constant pulling feeling on her heart from missing Clarke, she'd managed to build every other wall back up again.

After three hours of just staring at the bottle, Lexa reluctantly unscrewed the cap, placing it slowly on the glass coffee table in front of her.  The brunette let out a deep sigh as she wiped the sweat off of her brow. She knew once she did this, there was no going back. The memories swarmed her mind, memories she'd hoped were just a nightmare, but they weren't. Lexa could say that she had felt happier since leaving the town of Arkadia, but she wasn't sure if that was really true. She felt freer, however free did not mean happy. It was a blessing to not have haunted memories around every corner she turned, but blocking out her childhood made her feel like she'd lost a part of herself. And though it was a relief to cut out the pain and suffering she'd endured, it didn't stop the girl from feeling a void in within.

Lexa finally worked up the courage, lifting the whisky bottle to her lips. She took a deep breath, letting the smell of the alcohol fill her body with warmth. Slowly she opened her mouth, allowing the alcohol to slip down the back of her throat, the soft burn a welcoming feeling unlike all the others that were swirling through her body. She pulled the bottle away after a couple more swigs, chuckling to herself, staring at the now half empty bottle, wondering how she'd lasted so long without the best therapy, alcohol.

It was ten o'clock in the evening and Clarke didn't quite know what she was doing outside Lexa's apartment door. After leaving the brunette sobbing on her desk because of her actions, her heart ached and ached. Clarke knew that Lexa probably wouldn't answer the phone tonight, especially if it was Clarke who was calling. And so the blonde had managed to convince Octavia to give her address.

Dominic was snuggled safely in bed, Anya at the apartment in case he needed anything in the night. Clarke had no clue what she was going to say, she didn't know if she'd even say anything at all. Her brain was warning her this was a bad idea, because every time she looked at Lexa, all she wanted to do was kiss her plump lips and hold her, never to let go. After minutes of nervously pacing up and down the corridor in front of Lexa's apartment, Clarke finally found it in her to knock on the door. It was too late to turn back now.

Lexa's next drink was disrupted by a knock on her door. The brunette suspiciously checked her watch, wondering who would come by this late. She wasn't drunk, but the way she walked sloppily would've made anyone think she was.

Lexa slowly opened the door, unaware of the bottle of whiskey still in her hands. Her bloodshot eyes met with Clarkes deep blue ones and they stood, just staring. "Clarke.. why are you here?" Lexa managed to stutter, trying her best to make sure Clarke couldn't notice she'd been drinking. Lexa quickly moved the hand that held the bottle, behind her back, she didn't want Clarke to be disappointed in her, but that's the way it always ended.

"I..." honestly Clarke didn't know why. She was worried for Lexa, but that gave her no right to turn up to her apartment late at night without any warning. "I wanted to apologise for earlier, I shouldn't have left you like that...I should've come back." Lexa gulped, closing her eyes momentarily as she took a deep breathe. "You saw that?" Her voice wavered, she'd really hoped that Clarke hadn't seen her like that, it made her feel vulnerable. It made her feel weak. Clarke just gave her a light nod, "can I... can I come in?" Lexa gaped quickly, forgetting that they were still at her door. "Of course of course," she moved back, turning to hide the bottle. Clarke walked into the apartment, finding a seat on the sofa. Lexa came back moments later with two mugs of tea in hand, she'd hid the bottle of whiskey back in her kitchen. Clarke thanked her shyly, her eyes never leaving the brunette as she sat on the couch next to her.

"I know it's a stupid question, but are you okay?" Clarke questioned, sipping on the comforting tea. Lexa stifled a laugh, placing the mug down on the table. She turned so she was fully facing Clarke, her legs crossed on the couch. "A lot of things I'd left in the past have come up again, but I'm okay." Suddenly Clarke felt guilty, if she hadn't of come back into Lexa's life, if she hadn't named her child Dominic, then maybe Lexa could've avoided all these unwanted feelings.

"I.. I'm sorry," the blonde mumbled, standing up and placing her mug down, ready to leave. "Clarke-" Lexa stood up suddenly, pulling on the blondes arm until she turned around to face her, their bodies closer than they should've been. "It's not you fault," Lexa's voice was but a whisper. Clarke's eyes fluttered closed at the soft feeling of Lexa's breath brushing against her lips, neither girl stepped back. "I missed you," Clarke didn't realise her words until they'd already slipped out of her mouth. Lexa's face flushed red, her eyes darting down to Clarke's lips, then straight up to her eyes.

Lexa caught Clarkes eyes following the same pattern as hers just did, and that, combined with the alcohol, gave her the surge of confidence she needed. The brunette slowly leaned in, letting out a heavy breath just before-

Clarke pulled back quickly, her eyes never leaving Lexa. A pit settled in the bottom of the brunettes stomach, "Clarke I'm sorry I thought-" Clarke cut her off, her tone raised from the soft one she'd had earlier. "You've been drinking." Clarke would've kissed her, she was in such a daze and there was nothing she wanted more than to pull Lexa's sweet lips into hers. But the stench of alcohol brought her back into reality, reminding her the reason her and Lexa had first ever taken a break from their relationship. It reminded her of the things Lexa's  mum had done to the both of them, and it made her remember that she was with Bellamy. Lexa sighed, there was no use denying it. "Clarke... I tried, I really tried but I couldn't-"

Clarke shook her head, taking a couple of steps backwards, widening the distance between them. "How am I supposed to feel comfortable with you around my son when your drinking? How do I know you're not going to hurt him, like your mother hurt us?" Lexa shook her head vigorously, "Clarke, I'd never. This is the first time I've drunk in nine years...wait...hurt us?" Lexa was confused. She remembered her mothers abuse on her clear as day, but the idea of her mother laying a hand on Clarke, and her not knowing about it made the threatening tears spill. Clarke stayed silent as a few tears slipped down her face, to this day she still had breathing problems from the injuries to her ribs and lungs. This was a memory Clarke had tried to erase from her own mind, she never wanted Lexa to know.

"Clarke," Lexa's voice was stern as she took a couple of steps closer to the blonde, slowly reaching her arm out. Clarke winced as Lexa's hand rested on her shoulder. "Did she?" Clarke gulped, her head hanging low. "I swear to god, I'm going to find her and I'm going to-"

"Lexa stop!" Clarke's voice was breaking as she screamed. "It wouldn't of happened if you didn't leave. She just told me the truth, and it pained me to hear, so I let her. I let her beat me down, it was the only way to feel anything..." as the last words slipped from her mouth, Clarke's knees gave in and she fell to the floor in a pool of tears. Lexa had no clue what to say, she knew leaving Clarke had broke her heart, but what she hadn't realised that it had broken her spirit too, and it had lead to her being abused by her mother.

The brunette slowly sat on the floor, gently pulling the blonde into her lap, her hands carefully running through her hair. "I never meant to break you," she managed to sniffle. Clarke stayed silent a while, trying to slow her breathing as Lexa's hands trailed through her hair soothingly. "I know."