it was always you - clexa au

f i f t y o n e

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Once Clarke and Bellamy had put Dom to bed together they headed back towards the kitchen. "Are you staying tonight?" The boy asked as he reached for a bottle of wine. Clarke gulped, both Lexa and Dominic's words had been swimming through her crowded mind. "Uh, no I don't think I'll stay tonight." Bellamy nodded, holding up the wine bottle, "at least stay for a glass of wine?" Clarke let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in, nodding slightly, "I guess so."

Bellamy grabbed two glasses from the cupboard before unscrewing the cork and pouring the red wine into the glasses. He handed one to Clarke who thanked him quietly before taking a seat opposite her on a bar stool. "What's on you mind Clarke?"

Clarke mentally scolded herself for making it so obvious. There was only one person who could really read her, that was Lexa, but Bellamy had become pretty good at it over the past six years. Clarke's eyes were staring into the depths of her wine glass, hoping it would just swallow her up and get her out of this situation. "Clarke?"

Finally the blonde looked up, meeting Bellamy's brown eyes that were filled with genuine concern. Clarke felt a heavy feeling settling in the depth of her stomach as she just looked into his eyes. He had done nothing but care for her and love her, but she couldn't do the same, Clarke just couldn't love him the way he loved her. Guilt took over Clarke's body as Bellamy's hand settled on top of hers gently. She knew she couldn't do this without hurting him, but in the long run staying together would hurt them both. He deserved to be with someone that loved him in that way.

"I can't-" is all Clarke managed to stutter, her vision blurry with the build up of tears. "Clarke, it's going to be okay, I'm here for you just tell me what's wrong." Clarke stood up suddenly, pulling her hand from under Bellamy's. "Clarke-"

"Stop Bellamy. Stop being perfect! Fuck up or something, make me hate you." Clarke's shout was desperate and Bellamy was beyond confused. He made his way round to Clarke, gently reaching his hand to settle on hers. "Why are you saying that Clarke?" Clarke nudged Bellamy's hand away, this all would've been so much easier if Bellamy had done something wrong. That was the problem, he did everything right, he was the perfect father, the perfect friend and the perfect partner. And Clarke knew that he probably wouldn't even be mad at Clarke for what she was about to do, because he wasn't like that. He learnt to understand instead of being mad in situations like these, and Clarke hated the fact that she didn't love him. Because everything would be so much easier if she did.

"Why are you so nice to me?" Her voice was cracking, her hands slamming against Bellamy's chest weakly as most of her energy had been used up by her shouting and crying. "Because, I love you Clarke. There is no world in which I could be mean to you, your incredible and-"

Clarke pushes away from Bellamy, turning around so her back was facing him. "Then stop loving me Bellamy," Clarke's voice cracked as she quietly added, "please." Bellamy's grabbed Clarke's wrist, turning her back to face him, pulling her close into his chest. He just hugged her tightly, whispering soothing words.

"I know what this is Clarke, Octavia told me who Lexa is." Clarke's heart plummeted into the bottom of her stomach. In a way she was glad that he already knew, and he didn't seem mad at all. But that only made it ten times harder as she watched him break into a million pieces. He loosened the embrace, still holding Clarke's hands as they stood, looking at each other. "It would've been nice if this worked out, for Dominic especially. But I'm glad you found her again. I think the fact that you still love her over the past nine years just shows how much she really means to you." He sighed giving a sad smile, "you deserve happiness too Clarke, and we were happy before we were together. We can just go back to that, pretend this never happened. We already know that Dominic loves Lexa. So what are you waiting for, go and get your girl."

Clarke shook her head, "not yet, I can't just-" Bellamy rolled his eyes, "you've waited nine years, I think it's about bloody time." Clarke knew deep down that Bellamy was right, and though she saw the hurt in his eyes, he also saw the sincerity and how much he just wanted her to be happy. There was a time in Clarke's life that she thought no one would ever or could ever love her, and now she had the privilege of having her two best friends eternal love. She just wished she didn't have to choose.

"I'm sorry, I never meant-" Clarke stuttered, squeezing Bellamy's hand tightly. He nodded knowingly, "I know Clarke, now go and get your girl." Clarke flashed a small smile at the boy for how understanding he'd been. She grabbed the wine glass off of the counter and downed it, quickly slamming the glass back down.

"Good luck," Bellamy whispered before Clarke hugged him once more then left the house in a hurry. Clarke jumped in her car, driving towards Lexa's house, probably surpassing the speed limit. There was only one thing on her mind at that moment - telling Lexa that she loved her.